When all else fails. Blog.

I'm experiencing my darkest moment. That doesn't mean I'm suicidal but I might as well be. I'm just too cowardly to get rid of the waste of space that I am.

It's safe to say I'm a little depressed.

Okay very down.

I had interviews for my research project today. Just now...

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Momentarily decided to work. Obvi...

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I'll say it. I'm not good at holding onto a train of thought.

I was imagining if I died, and they found this. They being my friends..my family. The lot of them. How petty my problems would seem. There's more to me than sex and bitching. You guys know that. I just don't like writing about the real bits. But here it is.

I feel completely lost. I have for a while and it's not going away. I wonder how long it'll last.

I hate myself for the way I am. I never work..I never work. 

So get off your arse as go do something productive?

I'll admit it I don't have an argument against that.

All that's at the forefront of my brain is. I'm failing. And do I want to do this? In all honesty, no.

This as in, this degree, the next degree.

What I want to do is disappear. Leave completely. Problems with that is of course my family and friends, I wouldn't ever want to upset them. But I'm not happy being here either. It's not just about the degrees. It's this whole life I'm living, I want to rip myself out of it.

I keep wishing for do-overs but it's gotten to the point where do-overs aren't enough anymore I need..I don't know what I need, I just know, this is exactly what I don't want. Everything about this life I'm living is screaming WRONG at me.

I want to mention that I'm lying, my life isn't completely bad, and I know that I'm lucky..but I can't bring myself to mean it. I'm stuck in a pool of misery and I can't get out. I know how pathetic and depressing this is..

I'm just..so.sad.