18/05/13
16:26
16:26
Dear Future Boyfriend,
I read a post online where a girl was writing a letter to her future boyfriend. Now I've written a million letters to you but they've all gotten lost with time. They've all been rubbish anyway.
I've found myself wanting to write you a letter SO many times but I never know what to say? Maybe it's less that I actually have something to say to you and more I want to feel connected to you in some way.
It's actually quite exciting thinking that right now you're out there somewhere. Here's the picture in my head: you're at your laptop too. You're on your bed, on Facebook, flicking between it and your work, some essay or something that you have to do. You're not thinking about me today.
God I wonder if you have a girlfriend right now? No. You don't. You do like someone though. Only a little. It's purely a look thing; you think she's pretty but you don't really know her because you've never had the courage to talk to her.
Yeh, I know this is bizarre, I'm talking about you crushing on some other girl, but hey! I'm being realistic. I'm sorry to say I check out other guys too.
If I could say something to you right now it'd be, I want to meet you as bad as you want to meet me and don't worry I know it sucks that we've still got so long until we meet but this is the only way it can happen. The upside is, we'll know as soon as we meet each other. Maybe you don't believe in that bullshit, (love at first sight.."knowing as soon as you meet them") and you're the same as me in that sense. But after all this waiting, how could we possible not know?!
I know I sound like a pathetic loser, and I know you're surprised I sound so pathetic but that's what waiting for you does to me.
Thing is, if you're reading this now, we've already met. So there's no point in me telling you to hurry up. But it's a good reminder that you tortured me for so long, keeping me waiting. You suck for doing that. Make it up to me big-time.
You owe me.
Kira
------------------------------------------------------
18/05/13
16:38
16:38
Dear Future Boyfriend,
If you are reading this now, then we've finally met. And we're "going steady" cos there's no way in hell I would just give this to you as soon as we started dating. Surely I have too many trust issues to be that stupid. Or have you screwed that up for me too?
I sound really mad at you don't I? Well I guess I am. Bear in mind, this is a version of me you've never known. The version of me before you. I wonder how much I've changed. Probably not a lot. But how can I not have changed when I spend every waking moment thinking about you? Pathetic, I know. So with that gone do I just spending every waking moment..thinking about you? That's even more pathetic.
You have permission to do nothing but think about me as well. Feel free. Feel free to worship the ground I walk on. Cos admit it, I'm awesome. That's why you love me. Oooooh, too soon? Awkward? Have we not had "the talk" yet? Aahaaa!
God Future Me's gonna hate Past Me for that.
In case I forgot to yell at you, here it is: WHAT TOOK YOU SO FRIKKIN' LONG?! HUH?!! Idiot.
Yeh, I really don't have anything nice or sappy to tell you. This was just a reminder to myself to yell at you. You really do suck for keeping me waiting for so long. It's your own fault really.
I love you anyway (and yes I'll say it even if Future Me won't yet).
20-year-old Kira
----------------------------------------------------
18/05/13
17:02
17:02
Dear The Guy That Kept Me Waiting SO Long,
I don't know if you've noticed or not but these three letters were written on the same day, ten minutes after one another.
Yeh, I'm just acknowledging I'm that sad.
I'm also here to acknowledge that in both those letters I yelled at you for keeping me waiting. And okay, I started this letter off with it as well. In my defense, you kept me waiting for a reallyyy long time and you know it.
I just thought you ought to know how hard it's been.
Now I'm going to move on, let go of my grudges and..torture you some more MWHAHAAA!!
I'm going to tell you everything that my 20-year-old-self thought you were going to be. Now, you can't possibly live up to a girl's every expectation so I expect this will be a proper hard kick to the gut. Speaking of which that's number one on the list!
(1) SIX PACK! Yep cos I'm that much of a stereotypical girl..actually thinking about it, it's really not that much of a requirement..yeh scratch that. Owhhh but I was gonna annoy you by taking the piss out of you and tell you to get rid of your fat gut, but turns out I really don't give a shit. Plus it's more pressure on me to be perfect if you are, so the less perfect you are the better. So remember: everything wrong with you, I love you all the more for, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better PURLEESE. It's purely for my own selfish reasons.
Oh, future-boyfriend-dear, I'm really worried it's going to be years and years until I meet you. That's really scary for me..I don't think I'll meet you until I'm like 26/27. God forbid if it's even later than that. I think I'll diee if I have to wait that long. :(
Please stop the torture, I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be able to stand it.
Missing you,
Kira.
-------------------------------------------------------------
18/05/13
17:18
Dear Future-BF,
I have returned with the intent of finishing my "boyfriend-expectation-torture-list." I got sidetracked last time but I will NOT this time.
(2) You're hot. I expect you to be hot. If you're not, HA in your stupid average/ugly face! I fell for your personality and..man this sounds really mean. You know I reallyy don't give a shit how you look, I'm probably blind when it comes to you anyway; all MY BOYFRIEND'S THE HOTTEST GUY IN THE WORLD, delusional. :)
(3) You're nice, you're funny. Two very different things but fit together so well. Do you make me laugh when I'm mad? And piss me off when you do that? Are you incredibly sweet? Do you look after me?
God, there's a reason I couldn't finish this list the last time, just thinking about you makes me really upset. I know you don't mean to, but you do. I really miss you..not sure that's even the right word because I haven't even met you yet, but hopefully you know what I mean.
Thing is, screw this list. You know you're perfect EXACTLY how you are, and I love you because you're you.
Always missing you,
Kira.
---------------------------------------------------------------
18/05/13
17:28
17:28
Dear Future-BF,
Don't ask me why the hell I'm not writing this as a single letter and doing loads of little ones, I just am okay?!
Now here's some advice, no, some orders you are to follow:
- Take me out on a date, bring me chocolates, flowers and a teddy bear. A cute one. The flowers should be a bouquet of tulips, roses and lilies. They're my favourites.
- Call me in the middle of the night, just to talk. I don't care that it's weird and you need your sleep, just do it okay?!
- Please don't be embarrassed of me :( I know I can be weird and random, but love me for me and..all I can keep thinking is you being too embarrassed to introduce me to your friends.
You don't actually have to buy me anything, in fact, most likely I'm never going to show you these letters..well that's gonna be because I forgot they exist, but if I do remember it's gonna be because I didn't want you to think you had to buy me anything at all. You don't have to buy me a single thing, you just need to be there. That's all. And that'll be worth so much more than anything I could have possibly asked for.
I love you (and yes it's weird to say that to someone I've haven't even met yet but I know I do.)
Kira.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
18/05/13
17:37
17:37
Dear Future-BF,
I wonder if we've met yet. I really don't think we have.
Yours most sincerely,
Your Super Hot Super Awesome Amazing Wonderful Future Wife ;)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
18/05/13
18:43
18:43
Dear Future-BF,
As corny as it is to say, my heart's still aching from thinking about you :(
Kira
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
19/05/13
11:22
Let's act out the scene where Ted meets The Mother. I want a yellow umbrella.
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And it has to be raining.
Oh the many weird things I'm gonna make you do. :) I'm really looking forward to it.
-------------------------------------------------------------
20/05/13
11:12
Get me a keychain. I was looking at my set of keys and at the moment the ones it already has are the ones my sister bought from everytime she went abroad. I have one of those me-to-you ones that split in half that I share with Nisha. I want one from you too.
---------------------------------------------------------------
25/05/13
17:19
17:19
Before our date ask me which flowers I like and I'll show you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
26/05/13
12.42
Call me beautiful, I don't care if it's superficial.
(When you look into my eyes, I'll let you know I love you
Two hearts beated as one, the day I met you.)
12.54
We have to have 'a place'; so that we can say "let's meet at our place".
----------------------------------------------------------------
01/06/13
20:09
Buy me a HUGE present for valentines day.
We should roleplay.
I wanna do the coat thing-all inspired by Modern Family.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
15/06/13
22:22
Hi..
I just realised another reason why I write to you. This whole blog/diary/whatever, is all me talking to myself. That's what it really is. And I guess, when thinking about it..these letters...well it's me trying to make myself feel better by convincing myself I'm not talking to myself. It's me trying to convince myself there's this very special person who truly wants to listen to me. And I mean really wants to listen to me and all the crap I wanna say.
I'm not an idiot. I know I have friends and family who care, who'd listen but..the problem is..it's the same damn thing. It's always the same fucking thing with me.
I'm sure you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about, let me fill you in. It's Saturday and my exams on Friday. I'm not prepared.
I want to say a million different things, things like "I know you're thinking there's an obvious solution to this: get off your arse and work" and my reply to that would be..I can't concentrate. Not the normal studying getting distracted or ordinary 'not being able to concentrate'. No, this is me not being able to stop thinking about my mum. Oh god my mum. Jesus I don't even know where to start with that one.
Let me just sum it up as: the guilt is killing me. It's torture.
A million things. Like that.
I hate myself for writing you this letter. I definitely can't give you this.
It's easier you know. Talking to you. Than talking to myself.
And what if you don't exist. I know you're not who I've imagined you up to be. I know that.
What if you don't exist. I just keep thinking that.
I know it should be the least of my worries now but..it's hope. You're hope. And what if it's not real? What if-
---------------------------------------------------------------
18/07/13
19:15
Dear Future Boyfriend,
I wonder if you'll ever know this side of me. The side I never want you to know: depressed Kira.
Sad Kira.
19:17
Dear Future Boyfriend,
Hi.
I'm going through a really hard time and I don't know why I'm writing to you at this moment. I do not want you to know the pathetic version of me. I hope you erase her. I really do. But I guess I have no one else to turn to. That's a lie. I have friends and family..but. I don't want to talk to them about it. I've really had enough of talking about it. You have no idea.
..lost my train of thought.
---------------------------------------------------------------
25/07/13
23:44
Dear Future Boyfriend,
Hi again.
Let me describe my room to you. I was going to say "it's probably the same room I have..whenever you turn up" but who knows, it might not be.
I was in bed watching "Up in the Air", George Clooney film. Okay film. Okay/good.
I know this is not me describing my room and this letter..thing, is exceptionally dull.
Just so you know, everyone keeps telling me I look awesome at the moment and I have a feeling when I meet you, things would have gone a little downhill. Again, just saying. So picture a Kira who is slightly better looking.
Yeh my room's not that interesting, I debating whether to skip that.
What you up to. Do you remember what you were doing at this point? I bet we can find out through Facebook. I reckon Facebook will still be around then. Actually hopefully you're not too far away so Facebook will definitely will still be around.
I'm gonna Whatsapp Ajay now.
Ciao. xx
Let me describe my room to you. I was going to say "it's probably the same room I have..whenever you turn up" but who knows, it might not be.
I was in bed watching "Up in the Air", George Clooney film. Okay film. Okay/good.
I know this is not me describing my room and this letter..thing, is exceptionally dull.
Just so you know, everyone keeps telling me I look awesome at the moment and I have a feeling when I meet you, things would have gone a little downhill. Again, just saying. So picture a Kira who is slightly better looking.
Yeh my room's not that interesting, I debating whether to skip that.
What you up to. Do you remember what you were doing at this point? I bet we can find out through Facebook. I reckon Facebook will still be around then. Actually hopefully you're not too far away so Facebook will definitely will still be around.
I'm gonna Whatsapp Ajay now.
Ciao. xx
---------------------------------------------------------
18/11/13
22.30
Dear Future Boyfriend,
So I'm a third year biomed..I live at halls now. It's pretty awesome, I like the independent thing. My life revolves around the baby-can't believe this is the first time I'm mentioning her! She is AMAZING. Life has just a little bit more light in it because of her :) again awesome.
I sound much happier than all my previous..letters-just re-read them.
I guess I'm happier, I'm okay. It's not exam time and we all know how my mood plummets around that time of year.
Just thought I'd say I'm thinking of you, as I do most days..and whilst I was reading these so-called-letters I was thinking, sure, let's show them to him someday, I'm sure it'll be a laugh. Well that is, if you're the type who can tolerate them. If you're some freshie who won't understand anything then I'm not showing you squat. Nadda. Nothing. Nope.
You probably won't be a freshie..right? Are you a freshie.
What brought this along was "J" a girl from our village is kinda getting engaged to a freshie. Now she's a nice girl, medic alright looking. I would have said average but tbh she can be decent looking, waaay better than this guy. Her and her family are being a bit..what's the word..I dunno rushing..hasty? Anyway she's marrying a freshie maybe I'll marry a freshie too. Hopefully not.
I know I know shouldn't be rude but I just don't think we'd have much in common!!!
Okay so yeh, that's my little rant.
Again was just thinking about you..so thought I'd write seeing as it's the only way I can talk to you..
I hope you're someone I can show these to, someone who'd be amused :)
Love you
K.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
23.09
The Goodbye Letter
Okay soo..where to begin. I just read all these letters, wrote the summary letter, thought it was lame and figured I might as well show you all of these (sorry in advance for the the sheer magnitude of letters..ooo I hope we write each other letters once we've met too, that'd be soo cool :)
ANYWAY. Re-read letters..lame..oh yeh. So then I thought I need to stop writing letters!!! I need to get on with my life and stop writing to nobody. And realistically it's probably not gonna happen, I'm probably gonna end up writing you another letter five minutes after I finish this one. Regardless I'm gonna write this goodbye letter.
Jheez sounds like a suicide letter, "goodbye." ITS NOT. Ahem just want to make that clear. This is just a "I hope this is the last letter from me that you'll be reading cos now I get to actually TALK touch and kiss BLUSHESS the real thing :)
So thanks for listening, thanks for reading hope you had a good time. The pure idea of you has kept me going through times when..at times when it's just been really hard, so thanks.
I know I've had a go at you soo much for keeping me waiting but thanks for showing up. Really.
One last time: I love you.
Here's to hoping the next time I say that, it'll be to you, the real you.
K.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!! (sorry couldn't resist ;)
01:23
One last question I SWEAR! Did you miss me as much as I missed you? Xxx
--------------------------------------------------------
Monday, November 18, 2013
THE BOYFRIEND LETTER
Hi.
I've written a million letters to you over the years..I've gone through two major phases; one was after I broke up with A. I hope to God I've mentioned him to you before now otherwise that'll be a HELL of a shocker. AWKS. I also hope I've grown out of the habit of saying that <<
Whilst I'm making a list of things I'm hoping for! I hope I'm super hot by the time I've met you, I hopeeeee...
Alright fine this isn't about me! Focus!
As I was saying, I've written a million letters to you and as I was reading my latest bunch I was thinking "haha these are funny maybe I'll show them to him afterall". But I was also thinking "woah this is shitload of letters, he's gonna get boredddddd." So I figured let's try condensing my thoughts and write one big mother of a letter :)
I guess the main thing I blabbered on about in all those letters is that you've kept me waiting. This is a very important point becauseeeee to me it felt like you were keeping me waiting an ETERNITY. It's been pretty unbearable. And yes, I'm trying to make you feel bad cos that's how hard it's been.
Okay I'm being mean. If you're reading this letter then that means you finally turned up and I guess I've gotta thank you for that at least! (Sure took your time though...gr.)
When I started writing this it seemed like a good idea but now that I'm here I don't quite know what I want to say, or do. I guess I wanted to give you an insight into what I was like before I met you? I guess I just wanted to talk to you..I probably just wanted to convince myself that you exist, somewhere out there in the world..cos right now..I'm loney. And missing you. So this is my coping mechanism..me reminding myself to tell you off for keeping me waiting..and to warn you that you better be worth the wait!!!!!!!
..the point is..I love you. I haven't even met you yet but I know you're out there. I refuse to lose hope. Just..get here a bit faster could you? I'm missing you SO much.
K.
I've written a million letters to you over the years..I've gone through two major phases; one was after I broke up with A. I hope to God I've mentioned him to you before now otherwise that'll be a HELL of a shocker. AWKS. I also hope I've grown out of the habit of saying that <<
Whilst I'm making a list of things I'm hoping for! I hope I'm super hot by the time I've met you, I hopeeeee...
Alright fine this isn't about me! Focus!
As I was saying, I've written a million letters to you and as I was reading my latest bunch I was thinking "haha these are funny maybe I'll show them to him afterall". But I was also thinking "woah this is shitload of letters, he's gonna get boredddddd." So I figured let's try condensing my thoughts and write one big mother of a letter :)
I guess the main thing I blabbered on about in all those letters is that you've kept me waiting. This is a very important point becauseeeee to me it felt like you were keeping me waiting an ETERNITY. It's been pretty unbearable. And yes, I'm trying to make you feel bad cos that's how hard it's been.
Okay I'm being mean. If you're reading this letter then that means you finally turned up and I guess I've gotta thank you for that at least! (Sure took your time though...gr.)
When I started writing this it seemed like a good idea but now that I'm here I don't quite know what I want to say, or do. I guess I wanted to give you an insight into what I was like before I met you? I guess I just wanted to talk to you..I probably just wanted to convince myself that you exist, somewhere out there in the world..cos right now..I'm loney. And missing you. So this is my coping mechanism..me reminding myself to tell you off for keeping me waiting..and to warn you that you better be worth the wait!!!!!!!
..the point is..I love you. I haven't even met you yet but I know you're out there. I refuse to lose hope. Just..get here a bit faster could you? I'm missing you SO much.
K.
23.09
The Goodbye Letter
Okay soo..where to begin. I just read all these letters, wrote the summary letter, thought it was lame and figured I might as well show you all of these (sorry in advance for the the sheer magnitude of letters..ooo I hope we write each other letters once we've met too, that'd be soo cool :)
ANYWAY. Re-read letters..lame..oh yeh. So then I thought I need to stop writing letters!!! I need to get on with my life and stop writing to nobody. And realistically it's probably not gonna happen, I'm probably gonna end up writing you another letter five minutes after I finish this one. Regardless I'm gonna write this goodbye letter.
Jheez sounds like a suicide letter, "goodbye." ITS NOT. Ahem just want to make that clear. This is just a "I hope this is the last letter from me that you'll be reading cos now I get to actually TALK touch and kiss BLUSHESS the real thing :)
So thanks for listening, thanks for reading hope you had a good time. The pure idea of you has kept me going through times when..at times when it's just been really hard, so thanks.
I know I've had a go at you soo much for keeping me waiting but thanks for showing up. Really.
One last time: I love you.
Here's to hoping the next time I say that, it'll be to you, the real you.
K.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!! (sorry couldn't resist ;)
01:23
One last question I SWEAR! Did you miss me as much as I missed you? Xxx
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30/09/15
15:10
To Rich; all the things left unsaid..
Can I just ask you something? Did you honestly
Man I don't want to ask you this, cos I know you don't want to hear it
You'll think, why. Why can't this girl just let it go.
Did you honestly not think of this, us as anything more?
I'll explain it from my side
Cos it just baffles me how two people can look at the same situation and see such completely different things
We talked every day, checking up on each other
I don't know, just the amount we talked didn't seem normal to me, for friends
And there's stupid things like how we'd argue
Friends don't argue like that. If I get annoyed at my friends I'll just not talk to them or cut people out
But when we argued it didn't remind me of two friends arguing, it reminded me of couples arguing
And I don't want to freak you out, I'm not some creep, i get it, it's not like that
But the way we'd both make sure to make up as soon as possible, somehow make each other feel better
And then there's times like, how you were there for me when I really needed you and just needed someone to cry to
Well it didn't seem like a normal friendship to me
And just how much I cared
But that was just me
I swear it's the curse of my life, caring too much
I will never understand how one person can care so much and think so differently from the other person
I can't understand how I could have gotten it so wrong
Again and again
This isn't the first time you know
I swear it feels like it just keeps repeating itself
Let's not get into that
Basically I just feel like I'm always getting it wrong, always falling for someone who could never like me
Also to be perfectly honest, and you're going to say I'm completely wrong, but I kinda felt like you were plugging
Oh god you're gonna hate me for saying, for thinking this
I felt like you were plugging a hole in your life up with me
The hole Sara left behind..
You're not over her, you said that yourself
And I'm not dumb enough to think that if you were over her, maybe you could be interested in me
Cos I know it's all down to me
I know if some amazing girl came along, and she was the one, Sara would be the last thing on your mind
You wouldn't have trust issues or anything, cos she would be the right girl and you would just be able to feel it
I know that it's not because of Sara that you don't like me. You don't like me because I'm me. I'm just..not right
There's something wrong with me
And that's fine, one persons..the things you don't like maybe someone else will
I'm not dumb enough to think I'm doomed
I'm just dumb enough to be sad about it
I've gone off on a self pitying tangent
What I was saying was..all you want is Sara
Don't miss out on good things because of that, don't let that blind you
And I don't mean me, I know I'm all wrong for you
...did you really feel nothing at all
I can't help it, I just have to know
Did you really not think of me in that way at all? I just need to hear you say it
You didn't like me at all
Cos that's all I could think about, how I got it so wrong
I care more than u, you'll deny it but admit it. I mean just, how many friends do you have, you have so many friends, we all do
And I'm just another one of your friends. But you're not just another one of my friends
No. You're way more than that to me. And you may have a lot of friends who you care about in the same way, but there's only one person in my life who I care about in this way. And that makes a difference
I know I care more, cos if you cared as much as me, you wouldn't be able to bear it either
Just like how I can't bear it at all
How has it only been a week, it feels like a lifetime. But I'm doing okay. Really. I almost miss you sometimes, but then I don't let myself. I keep myself wonderfully distracted as you know. I'd love to show you up and make all my dreams come true, just shove it your face that I made it. But that's doing it for the wrong reasons.
Man I don't want to ask you this, cos I know you don't want to hear it
You'll think, why. Why can't this girl just let it go.
Did you honestly not think of this, us as anything more?
I'll explain it from my side
Cos it just baffles me how two people can look at the same situation and see such completely different things
We talked every day, checking up on each other
I don't know, just the amount we talked didn't seem normal to me, for friends
And there's stupid things like how we'd argue
Friends don't argue like that. If I get annoyed at my friends I'll just not talk to them or cut people out
But when we argued it didn't remind me of two friends arguing, it reminded me of couples arguing
And I don't want to freak you out, I'm not some creep, i get it, it's not like that
But the way we'd both make sure to make up as soon as possible, somehow make each other feel better
And then there's times like, how you were there for me when I really needed you and just needed someone to cry to
Well it didn't seem like a normal friendship to me
And just how much I cared
But that was just me
I swear it's the curse of my life, caring too much
I will never understand how one person can care so much and think so differently from the other person
I can't understand how I could have gotten it so wrong
Again and again
This isn't the first time you know
I swear it feels like it just keeps repeating itself
Let's not get into that
Basically I just feel like I'm always getting it wrong, always falling for someone who could never like me
Also to be perfectly honest, and you're going to say I'm completely wrong, but I kinda felt like you were plugging
Oh god you're gonna hate me for saying, for thinking this
I felt like you were plugging a hole in your life up with me
The hole Sara left behind..
You're not over her, you said that yourself
And I'm not dumb enough to think that if you were over her, maybe you could be interested in me
Cos I know it's all down to me
I know if some amazing girl came along, and she was the one, Sara would be the last thing on your mind
You wouldn't have trust issues or anything, cos she would be the right girl and you would just be able to feel it
I know that it's not because of Sara that you don't like me. You don't like me because I'm me. I'm just..not right
There's something wrong with me
And that's fine, one persons..the things you don't like maybe someone else will
I'm not dumb enough to think I'm doomed
I'm just dumb enough to be sad about it
I've gone off on a self pitying tangent
What I was saying was..all you want is Sara
Don't miss out on good things because of that, don't let that blind you
And I don't mean me, I know I'm all wrong for you
...did you really feel nothing at all
I can't help it, I just have to know
Did you really not think of me in that way at all? I just need to hear you say it
You didn't like me at all
Cos that's all I could think about, how I got it so wrong
I care more than u, you'll deny it but admit it. I mean just, how many friends do you have, you have so many friends, we all do
And I'm just another one of your friends. But you're not just another one of my friends
No. You're way more than that to me. And you may have a lot of friends who you care about in the same way, but there's only one person in my life who I care about in this way. And that makes a difference
I know I care more, cos if you cared as much as me, you wouldn't be able to bear it either
Just like how I can't bear it at all
How has it only been a week, it feels like a lifetime. But I'm doing okay. Really. I almost miss you sometimes, but then I don't let myself. I keep myself wonderfully distracted as you know. I'd love to show you up and make all my dreams come true, just shove it your face that I made it. But that's doing it for the wrong reasons.
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