THE BOYFRIEND LETTER

Hi.

I've written a million letters to you over the years..I've gone through two major phases; one was after I broke up with A. I hope to God I've mentioned him to you before now otherwise that'll be a HELL of a shocker. AWKS. I also hope I've grown out of the habit of saying that <<

Whilst I'm making a list of things I'm hoping for! I hope I'm super hot by the time I've met you, I hopeeeee...

Alright fine this isn't about me! Focus!

As I was saying, I've written a million letters to you and as I was reading my latest bunch I was thinking "haha these are funny maybe I'll show them to him afterall". But I was also thinking "woah this is shitload of letters, he's gonna get boredddddd." So I figured let's try condensing my thoughts and write one big mother of a letter :)

I guess the main thing I blabbered on about in all those letters is that you've kept me waiting. This is a very important point becauseeeee to me it felt like you were keeping me waiting an ETERNITY. It's been pretty unbearable. And yes, I'm trying to make you feel bad cos that's how hard it's been.

Okay I'm being mean. If you're reading this letter then that means you finally turned up and I guess I've gotta thank you for that at least! (Sure took your time though...gr.)





When I started writing this it seemed like a good idea but now that I'm here I don't quite know what I want to say, or do. I guess I wanted to give you an insight into what I was like before I met you? I guess I just wanted to talk to you..I probably just wanted to convince myself that you exist, somewhere out there in the world..cos right now..I'm loney. And missing you. So this is my coping mechanism..me reminding myself to tell you off for keeping me waiting..and to warn you that you better be worth the wait!!!!!!!

..the point is..I love you. I haven't even met you yet but I know you're out there. I refuse to lose hope. Just..get here a bit faster could you? I'm missing you SO much.

K.

WAITING

Listening to "Hey Soul Sister I don't wanta listen to...blah blah blah" googling images bout love life beauty etc. basically looking for a new Whatsapp picture, massive waste of time I know but yeh!

Thinking bout love and something occurred to me; people always critisise people waiting around for love, they're always like "get out there stead of just waiting around" and sure to a certain extent yes, you must put yourself out there etc.

Those who believe in fate and such (I'm obviously not one) would disagree I guess and think there's nothing wrong with just waiting round. I also would like to just wait around.

Right at the moment, I've got a bunch of things to do..biomed. But soon as that's done..well can't say I'm gonna make a massive change and go on a quest for love but..well




I'll find you.

feeling betrayed..

I don't know why I'm so upset. Well I do. But.

Hm.

Mitch said something..he said we..our year are useless. He aimed it at Priya, then at me.

........

The difference between asian guys and white guys when it comes to sex.

So I was watching The Big Wedding

Funny film but meh ending, didn't quite know what it was trying to do. ANYWAY the doctor dude in it was a virgin, guy on the left. Cute.

And omg realised what an effect being a doctor can have. Always tried to deny it but basically today saw eurgh whats-his-face..begins with an S..danced with P..SANIL. Or something..hmm. Anyway, basically saw him wearing a stethoscope in computer rooms and omg. Cuteeeeeee.

Back to whatever the hell I was saying..

You know what while I'm on this topic. Doctors. So there's two guy. Mitchel (Mitch) and Micky (Mike). I don't know, lame names yeh yeh, I'm trying to be simple. So Mitch is a medic, nice-ish guy. I mean he is nice but..I don't know, I don't like him. Thought he was a potential for a sec, went for a walk with him and discovered well, can't stand him much. Talks too..not too much cos I thought I wanted that in a guy me being quiet and all, but he can be surprisingly boring, bless him. But he's a medic!! Oh and not great looking. Again he's a sweet guy, want to emphasise that. Mike on the other hand is..stereotypically good looking. Not even that. He's a pretty boy, fake. His hair his, just he is. But he is..good looking. I guess. I say begrudgedly.




Okay. Just ponder that for a sec. The whole doctor dilemma.

You know what, lemme just go through what happened. So me and Priya (pretty sure I've used this name before for some other girl.) erm yeh I dragged Priya to the "watering hole" ;) god my codes are so awful.


Aaaaaaand lost train of thought :)

My Theory on Shutter Island - MAJOR SPOILER ALERT

"Which would be worse - to live as a monster? Or to die as a good man?"

Teddy, well, Andrew Laeddis, was in fact Laeddis, there was no conspiracy. That was obvious to me. What was still up for question was did he know it, was he just pretending at the end. This quote makes me think, yes. He did know. He chose to become a "ghost" rather than live, knowing what he had done.

So fucking terrifying.

If I were to go out with someone and it didn't work out, I don't think I could survive it. At all.

I was meant to see Nisha but I hate making her see me like this. She can't understand it at all.

Every time I try to climb out she shoves me back down. Brutally.

I try so hard to be happy but she makes me miserable.

Ultimate Couples

Ross and Rachel
Romeo and Juliet
Antony and Cleopatra
Will and Kate
Edward and Bella
Ron and Hermione
Beauty and the Beast
Aladdin and Jasmine
Cinderella and Prince Charming
Brad and Angelina
Posh and Becks
Barbie and Ken
Fred and Wilma
Danny and Sandy
Walle and Eve
Carl and Ellie
Suriya and Jyothika

Chandler and Joey
Timon and Pumba

P.S. Social media sucks

because I feel like they've stolen my most precious memories.

I mean look at me, I'm talking to myself! And enjoying it.

Although this is my desperately hoping someone would read this. No one will. Deep down I know that.

Up in the Air

I just watched Up in the Air, the George Clooney film. It was good. The ending was a bit..but I guess it was good. It was about a guy who fires people for a living who has this whole "philosophy" for living thing. He loves his solitary life, his life without attachments-to people, objects..anything really. I can connect with that.

Then in the inevitable dawning of realisation; when he realises he has been living his whole life wrong he says:
"Think of your fondest memories. Were you alone?
 When you were thinking those awful thoughts..were you alone."
Hearing that I feel like an idiot. I isolate myself, brutally. I bring my..depression on myself.

It's not too late for me, but even as I think these things my instinct is to isolate myself longer. Just a little longer, just a little longer then I'll socialise with people. Do I make excuses for myself?

I know I have to work and sort myself out. The words I utter to myself everyday. But I guess I also need to live. I'm struggling to live and I'm figuring out, even though I already should have known, a good step towards living may be to just, make myself be with people, enjoy it. Then I guess the living comes naturally.

scattered

This is going to be my attempt at a non-depressing post.

My friends were thinking about meeting up on Monday/Tuesday to go Hyde Park or something. Only problem is I don't know if I'll be working. Hopefully not. I hate working. No explanation required.

I could make a good film critic. No I couldn't. I've figured, people who have "good taste" in films, music..etc. are just people with a lot of time on their hands. AKA losers.

My thoughts are so scattered.

When I was working at Madame Tussuads, Sonia, the girl/woman there was saying how she did Biomed and how she should have done something artsy instead. It was a low moment. The thought that maybe I could end up like her, shitty job, boredom. It's realistic.

But that wasn't the point I was trying to make. So much for not being depressing. My point was, could I have done something artsy instead? No. Couldn't have worked. I don't have the talent. Only the exceptional make it in those fields.

Good times

I find it really hard to imagine that there could be good times ahead at all. My future seems so bleak. I find it hard to imagine myself happy. I don't know whether true happiness is attainable, for me.

I was reading the post where I wrote, I can't be depressed because I'm only depressed around exam time. Well exams have gone and it's official. I'm depressed.

Feelings

I am experiencing an overwhelming number of feelings.

At the forefront of my mind: I'm hungry. I hope mother gets up and gives me food.

I got my results today. I did terrible. I got the pass mark.

Utter frustration and loss and..I hate myself.



I wonder where I'll be in a year's time. I hope to God I'm okay.

Cool things

Things I think are cool:

Back to the Future
Harry Potter
How I Met Your Mother
Doctor Who

Sorta cool things but less cool:

Mean Girls
The Hunger Games

Note to self

Stop writing such whiny posts.

Not gonna happen but here's to wishful thinking! 

Depression

It's the day of my last exam today. *Sarcastic 'yay'*

So I've been thinking about depression, as we all very well know. I think it's the easy way out. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself and not do anything and blame your..laziness? on your depression. It takes a strong person to get yourself out of it. That and family/friends support.

I wonder if everyone is depressed at some point in their lives, probably. It's very selfish. You focus completely on yourself feel ridiculously sorry for yourself and it's totally undeserved.

You have to get yourself out of it though. Even as I say that, I say it very reluctantly. It's gonna be hard.

Her world completely revolves around him

All her priorities have changed since him. All her priorities. Her whole world revolves around him and it does my bloody head in.

CAN'T CONCENTRATE

Fuck fuck fuck, exam's tomorrow and jheez Bleep, well he's not being like really loud but just his voice bloomin' carries. He's been talking non-stop on the phone for hours and it's doing my bloomin' head in. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to concentrate anyway but jheez this isn't helping :(

And all my sister cares about is him. He's given more of a shit about me than she has.

Just very frustrated.

Blank piece of.

I wanted to blog about a bunch of different things, including, feeling ridiculous for being depressed about my life when Bleep's dad's so..ill. I wanted to talk about..just a bunch of other things, like how I'm gonna make a post about something that is not depression..aand then fail!

Now I'm blank.

a lol fact

So Bleep (bro-in-law) was like "Soo you wanna come over after your exam?" and I was like "I dunno..I might just want to..sleep."

What I really wanted to say was: I might just wanna crawl into bed and cry.

I found that funny when I thought it, just sounds plain morbid typed.

Bizarre..dating

It's bizarre but I just realised.

I was talking to my sister and my lovely brother-in-law (lol..that's not me being sarcastic just made me lol for some reason.)..erm..oh yeh, we were talking about marriage boyfriends etc. etc. and I realised I think I'm at the point in my life where it's like, sure maybe don't go looking for it yet but if love comes to you, s'alright..it's alright. Acceptable.

I'm sure you're thinking, what's the big deal about that. Well it's a big deal to me because after all these years of not being allowed to date, it's bizarre that the time where it's allowed is fast approaching..practically here?!!

Depression

I don't know if I'm depressed or just sad. I honestly can't tell the difference. I keep thinking about real clinical depression, the signs the symptoms and I keep thinking I can't be depressed because I'm only sad around..well now. Around exam time. And not even around most exams times..okay around most exam times but never as bad as this. This time's the worst.

I wonder if it's because my sister asked me if I was depressed and now I've gotten it into my head. I don't know if it's that.

I just know I'm really sad.

Getting it out

I keep saying the same thing over and over again. Reading it makes it so much worse because it's all the more obvious how repetitive it is. The reason I keep saying it over and OVER is because I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. I'm not bitching when I say "my sister will just tell me not to think about it and concentrate," or when I say "my friends. I just can't tell them. Although enough of it has already burst out of me in front of them." This is not me bitching about these people. They have all cared for me exceptionally, and I try, I do. I try and do my best by them too, in my own way trying to repay them.

But that's not what this is about. This is about me thinking the same morbid thoughts non-stop in my head. The same thing on repeat. Always on repeat. And this is me desperately trying to get it out in the only way left that I can think of.

Lifting the mood..or not.

Wow all my posts have been completely depressing lately. Exams do that to me.

Here's something to lift the mood:

Okay..so that was a flop. I was meant to refer to the How I Met Your Mother episode I just watched which was EPIC. Classic HIMYM. So bittersweet, which we all know is my thing.

Am I jealous of her and more blues

I was thinking about my sister. She's pregnant.

When I think about it, yeh, I reckon I am jealous. All I've ever wanted to to be pregnant. Have kids. Be loved. Get married. The stereotypical ordinary things that seem so far away.

And now it seems all I have is that I must succeed. Must get a career. And all those things I wanted are a long lost dream. I'm not being dramatic. Okay I am. But I'm losing hope I'll ever get those things. All that matters are things I..I find it hard to say "things I don't even want" because I do want them. I do want success but for all the wrong reasons. For my family's peace of mind. For society's peace of mind. For my peace of mind because of my family and society.

I'm so depressed. I'm so blue. Revision is not happening.

Hey Ho (TIFLOP)

Great. Just wonderful. One of the modules isn't included in the papers I'm doing.

Basically I've been doing papers instead of individually revising topics but then I realised, there isn't a single question for one of the most important modules in our course!!!

ARGHHHHHH!

So basically I'm gonna carry on, slowly as I do, until my sister calls back and tells me what to do cos I'm useless.

ANYWAY. Sup. What's going on? How are you? Alright? Decent day? No work right, out for summer. Good for you. Least one of us should be. Enjoy it. I'll join you soon enough :( Sad face because I woulda had to flop my exams first but hey ho..

It's funny but what the world really loves is not a lover but a love story.

Cornetto Cupidity ad

ADDICTED (BGT Luminites)

ADDICTED

Why history is such a bitch

Do you know why history is such a bitch? As in, in relationships. It's because they know you so well. you've gone so deep with them. Actually discovered parts of yourself talking to them. And it's not the same starting with a clean slate, the history's already there with that other person. And it takes a lot to get to that level of depth in the first place. Someone could be more compatible with you, but you don't care, all you can think about is that you've had this before, with someone else. And it was so good.

Are all the good times behind me?

Maybe I should give up.
I'm not talking about life this time.

I'm talking about Ajay. I keep reading chat logs and reminiscing and missing those days SO bad, then I'll whatsapp him and it's so lifeless. I was determined out of all of them, he's the one I could rekindle. But no, I should give up.

It's funny that I have real life friends now, ones I talk face-to-face but I miss these "online" friends more. It's not the same. Maybe it's me and my whole being-more-comfortable-online-thing. But no, I've gotten so much more comfortable in real life now.

I still miss the old times, and I always will, I know that. I just hope there's times ahead that are better than all of this, cos it'd be a shame if this is it; if all the good times are behind me.

The forefront of my mind

What's at the forefront of my mind; my mother's wasted hopefulness, my sister's frustration, my father's ignorance, my misery.

If you can't aim for perfection, you find it hard to find the motivation to aim at all.

Blue and Bored

I've been putting a lot of short posts up lately; lots of pictures, random thoughts that occur to me. Well, I'm blue and bored at the moment (and taking a "break" from studying..inverted commas because I'm ALWAYS on a break) so I figured I'd write.

Only problem with that is, I haven't got a specific topic in mind and when I'm topic-less I ramble which is pointless, boring and stupid.

I'll update on what I've been up to (which is nothing). I've been writing a lot on fictionpress because I got 2 reviews! Positive ones as well, which is amazing. So that was really encouraging and I wrote more..which brought no reviews..But of course my attention is so divided, between writing and not working so nothing I've written is great.

I watched a couple of episode of  "The Undateables", a show about people with disabilities and such finding love. It's very uplifting and gives you hope that you can find love too. If they can, then of course you can! That sounds very degrading but I don't mean that in a rude way at all..even though I'm sure it's hard to look at that in any way but rude..

Watching this show also made me more open minded, thinking along the lines of: I could date a tourettes guy. Sure. Why not. Of course I'm well aware how truly challenging dating anyone with a disability would be,  it's not just as easy as that, I know that.

-------------------------------------------

Just received a call from my sister..see I hate writing depressing posts. I mean I haven't written many to be honest, that one depressing one that I did write, only problem with it was that it was SO depressing. Suicidal, even though I wasn't suicidal it really sounded like I was.

I just feel really hopeless.

I should explain, she called me checking up on my work. I've done none, exaggerated about the amount I have done and she was still understandably disappointed.

I just feel very hopeless, too hopeless to work. I have no motivation. 

There is a fine line between art and porn.

It always comes back to you

Ajay..

Why must she do this

Why does my sister have to talk to him while she's on the phone to me. She lives with him, never stops talking to him, but even when she's on the phone to me, she's still talking to him..

There's a fine line between love and hate

Aaand because her legs are so amazing:

There's a fine line between love and hate, and it turns out that line is a scarf.

Lost Boys

Strong Arms

To experience the feeling of having strong arms wrapped around me..

Because I love them..

Because I'm having a Stefan and Elena moment..

WS

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"

              William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Airport

My mum kissed Dad on the cheek and he said that was the first time in years. Saddest thing I've ever heard. He obviously wanted more..I wish they were more affectionate towards each other. It's horrible to watch as a child.

My new-found faith in divorce

My parents are fighting. It's really bad. The worst thing about it is that it's not even one of those shouty-fights. It's those quiet, I give up, I'm tired of this. I truly hate you fights.

It's the night before Dad leaves for the wedding abroad and what did my mum tell him? Don't bother calling, don't bother talking to me. In all seriousness.

One of the worst things she's ever said. You're meant to send people off saying fly safe, take care..

The hatred between my parents is incredible. And these fights, they're always over such petty STUPID things. It's unbelievably frustrating.

My sister just posted pictures of her holiday on Facebook and the stark contrast between these lives is unbearable. Every time things get bad at home, my sister always tells me to stay at her house, just to go over there. And I forget, so easily.

Then I come back and there's the hate again. I'm sitting here now, knowing my sister doesn't have a clue. My parents, especially my mum, says don't tell her anything, she's pregnant, you can't tell a pregnant woman your troubles. So I don't. But I have no one else to talk to, my sister hates hearing it, but she'll listen..sorta. My friends, I really can't talk to them.

I hate that my sister so easily forgets, and wants to forget, she doesn't want to know their troubles. I don't begrudge her for that, it's just I can't do that myself. No matter where I am, I cannot forget, my parents are out there unhappy. It makes me unhappy. And it's never gonna change. I thought a little while ago, they've given me faith in divorce. I've never thought a more sad thought in my life.

Truthful (Song Lyrics)

Loving you is easy cos you’re so beautiful

This is not me being vain or superficial

It’s just something that I find kinda hard to ignore

When you look like a frikkin’ heaven sent angel

This is not me being corny

Just very truthful

(Inspired by Mr Wonderwall and Miss Shy)

When all else fails. Blog.

I'm experiencing my darkest moment. That doesn't mean I'm suicidal but I might as well be. I'm just too cowardly to get rid of the waste of space that I am.

It's safe to say I'm a little depressed.

Okay very down.

I had interviews for my research project today. Just now...

----------------------------------------

Momentarily decided to work. Obvi...

**********************

I'll say it. I'm not good at holding onto a train of thought.

I was imagining if I died, and they found this. They being my friends..my family. The lot of them. How petty my problems would seem. There's more to me than sex and bitching. You guys know that. I just don't like writing about the real bits. But here it is.

I feel completely lost. I have for a while and it's not going away. I wonder how long it'll last.

I hate myself for the way I am. I never work..I never work. 

So get off your arse as go do something productive?

I'll admit it I don't have an argument against that.

All that's at the forefront of my brain is. I'm failing. And do I want to do this? In all honesty, no.

This as in, this degree, the next degree.

What I want to do is disappear. Leave completely. Problems with that is of course my family and friends, I wouldn't ever want to upset them. But I'm not happy being here either. It's not just about the degrees. It's this whole life I'm living, I want to rip myself out of it.

I keep wishing for do-overs but it's gotten to the point where do-overs aren't enough anymore I need..I don't know what I need, I just know, this is exactly what I don't want. Everything about this life I'm living is screaming WRONG at me.

I want to mention that I'm lying, my life isn't completely bad, and I know that I'm lucky..but I can't bring myself to mean it. I'm stuck in a pool of misery and I can't get out. I know how pathetic and depressing this is..

I'm just..so.sad.

The Subjectiveness of Looks (and my gay moment)

My family, my sister, parents..they all always tell me how..pretty I am. That's family for you, they'll always tell you you're the prettiest girl in the world.

Then you enter the real world. In my case: uni. At uni you'll learn the truth of how you really look. It all comes down to the amount of attention you get from the opposite sex, or even the same sex. I'm not talking about homosexual interest you may gain but you know girls: oh you're soo pretty. I love you hair! God you're eyes are amazing. Let me tell you one thing: the most compliments you get won't be from boys but from girls. Weird as that is, it's true.

And you can tell when they're being honest because it'll bug them to say it. It annoys them that you're pretty. They feel threatened. But it won't be obvious, girls are like that. These girls that compliment you and hate you for having something they don't, they're your closest friends.

I've always been comfortable with my looks, how I am. But I think I may have been a bit deluded as to how good I look. My family is to blame for that. Family is blind to how you look. Either that or you just spend so much time with them you start believing them, and let's face it. You want to believe them.

But then I went to uni. Boys never notice me. Friends rarely compliment me. It's very clear no one envies me. Don't get me wrong I don't want to be envied..who am I kidding?! All girls want to be envied. We all want to be the best and anyone who says otherwise is just kidding themselves.

Now I know I'm average but at home I have to take the compliments and if I disagree my sister will just say I'm fishing and that I KNOW I'm pretty and to shut up in that oh so fond way.

It's annoying how subjective looks are. Things would be so much simpler if things were just clear-cut-clear. But alas, this is the hell we live in.

This is just because I wandered across her pictures and she is just too beautiful that I might just be gay.

This is just because she is too cute.
Yup. Gay??

I know this post has been an especially bitchy one I guess I was just in one of those moods, put it down to PMS? TMI I know..look at me being all teenage-abbreviation-esque!

Have you ever been in a good situation yet decided to persevere and strive for exceptional?

Read the thing with the rabbit on the side. The whole shite on the ceiling thing is hilarious.

The depressing thing about this question is, no. I haven't. I would have liked to think of myself as a gambler. A risk-taker. But no. This question has made me realise, I've never taken a good situation, thrown it away to pursue exception. How depressing is that.

And now is the moment where I should make a vow to strive for perfection..key word in that. Should. As in I should but I won't. Yup that's right.

"I shouldn't even be here, thanks to that death trap. But its fate, fate...gave me a second chance and help me realise that our days on this planet are too few to squander. So I decided from that moment on, to continue living life to its fullest."

"So you made a life chancing decision to not chance your life at all."

"True story."

Pretty good advice

Thought this was pretty decent advice, by myself ;)

Just cos they're my two most favourite things in the world

Sunshine daisies, butter mellow

Guys are better listeners than girls because they're less willing to share their own stories.

Because it was a great moment and I've discovered gifs

Curveballs

The frustrating things about trolls is that as soon as someone is debatably mean to you, you presume they're a horrible horrible troll who's just out to ruin your day. When I say debatably mean, I mean a comment that can be construed as either rude or well it's hard to categorise as rude or not. Then you reply a bit peeved off and they reply back prooving they weren't being rude at all and you're just humiliated. Me, being the person that I am, ALWAYS trying to right my wrongs, obviously apologised but still, I blame the trolls.

Soulmates

I don't believe in soulmates.

Even as I wrote that, all I could think about was my future husband/boyfriend/whatever, out there and I feel sorry for them. It must be depressing for them that their future partner doesn't believe they're the only one for them.

Let me explain myself: I believe there are a certain number..plenty of people you're compatible with, around you. And that's around you, near you, not in the world. What's the difference? I believe there's plenty of people near you that you could "fall in love with", be soulmate-y-ish with. So that works out as a LOT of people you're compatible with in the world as a whole.

It's a very depressing way of looking at it, I know. But it's really what I believe. I even have reasoning for it. If soulmates existed and there really was only one person in your lifetime in the whole world that you belonged with, barely anyone in the world would meet that person and be with that person. But that's not how it is, most of the population is happily with someone.

I guess in the end, if you believe in soulmates you have to believe in fate, or God or some sort of higher power. And maybe that's why I don't believe in soulmates either.

I just wonder if, when I meet "the one??", if I'll change my mind.

Frustrating

A frustrating fact. Let's say you're about to have sex. If he doesn't push for it, he's too soft and you want a guy who takes charge. If he does pressurise you then he's a jackass and you feel really uncomfortable. It's a lose-lose situation really.

Flaws

There are lovable flaws and unlovable flaws.
The unlovable flaws just really don't matter.

I can't wait to have sex

It's embarrassing to admit, and I considered posting it on EP but I didn't want people to connect that with me.

It's just that people make such a big deal out of it I am SO curious.

Cos it's jokes.

my friends are making me feel guilty for not going out

I have quickly become so addicted to blogging it's ridiculous. No one even reads this.

So it's 4 weeks until exams and my friends want to go out for Tanya's birthday. From the beginning I've been saying I can't go. I have to work.

They won't stop saying how I HAVE to go, it's unfair if I don't go, Tanya comes to everything.

Thing is, out of everyone I am literally doing the worst. I know that when they're all doing what they want to be doing in their lives and I'm stuck in a dead end AGAIN, I'm not going to remember the time I went out for Tanya's birthday and say it was worth it.

I cannot go, my guilty conscience will not allow me to go.

I am really quite frustrated with my friends for not understanding.

Is it chance or choice that determines our destiny?

A question asked on Awkward the TV show.

I personally don't believe in fate..God..anything much really. I never really did but then one night, a few years ago, I had an epiphany and just stopped believing in anything. It's not as depressing as it sounds. Just plain scary for me. The whole idea of there being no afterlife. That this is all there is and then just like that. Nothing. It's all over.

I hate thinking about it.

So is it chance or choice that determines our destiny? We can choose what happens to us to a certain extent but then after that I guess it is chance. That doesn't mean that there's a plan, a path you are definitely going to follow. But whatever's going to happen to you is going to happen to you. That's just your future. That's one thing you're definitely going to have. That may seem contradictory: what I think I mean is, you can choose your fate, it's down to you.

But in the end, me, the girl who doesn't believe in fate or God, I reckon it's a bit of both.

The Vampire Diaries Season Finale

Stephan. Doppelganger. Omfg.

Wish I had someone to blabber to about it but cba to hunt them down. Great episode. TVD really knows how to kickass at season finales.

Cuteee:

After-thought: the How I Met Your Mother season finale was epic too, I mean they actually showed the mother!

the reason for the millions posts

..I discovered stumbleupon.com
It's awesome. Exactly what you're looking for when you have no life and you're bored.

So much for not posting around exam time.

The Hearst Castle (in California) Would be INCREDIBLE to visit

The Hearst Castle

The Indoor Pool

The Library

The Outdoor Pool

The Dining Area

The Isabella Jewel Box