Am I jealous of her and more blues

I was thinking about my sister. She's pregnant.

When I think about it, yeh, I reckon I am jealous. All I've ever wanted to to be pregnant. Have kids. Be loved. Get married. The stereotypical ordinary things that seem so far away.

And now it seems all I have is that I must succeed. Must get a career. And all those things I wanted are a long lost dream. I'm not being dramatic. Okay I am. But I'm losing hope I'll ever get those things. All that matters are things I..I find it hard to say "things I don't even want" because I do want them. I do want success but for all the wrong reasons. For my family's peace of mind. For society's peace of mind. For my peace of mind because of my family and society.

I'm so depressed. I'm so blue. Revision is not happening.