Cool things

Things I think are cool:

Back to the Future
Harry Potter
How I Met Your Mother
Doctor Who

Sorta cool things but less cool:

Mean Girls
The Hunger Games

Note to self

Stop writing such whiny posts.

Not gonna happen but here's to wishful thinking! 

Depression

It's the day of my last exam today. *Sarcastic 'yay'*

So I've been thinking about depression, as we all very well know. I think it's the easy way out. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself and not do anything and blame your..laziness? on your depression. It takes a strong person to get yourself out of it. That and family/friends support.

I wonder if everyone is depressed at some point in their lives, probably. It's very selfish. You focus completely on yourself feel ridiculously sorry for yourself and it's totally undeserved.

You have to get yourself out of it though. Even as I say that, I say it very reluctantly. It's gonna be hard.

Her world completely revolves around him

All her priorities have changed since him. All her priorities. Her whole world revolves around him and it does my bloody head in.

CAN'T CONCENTRATE

Fuck fuck fuck, exam's tomorrow and jheez Bleep, well he's not being like really loud but just his voice bloomin' carries. He's been talking non-stop on the phone for hours and it's doing my bloomin' head in. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to concentrate anyway but jheez this isn't helping :(

And all my sister cares about is him. He's given more of a shit about me than she has.

Just very frustrated.

Blank piece of.

I wanted to blog about a bunch of different things, including, feeling ridiculous for being depressed about my life when Bleep's dad's so..ill. I wanted to talk about..just a bunch of other things, like how I'm gonna make a post about something that is not depression..aand then fail!

Now I'm blank.

a lol fact

So Bleep (bro-in-law) was like "Soo you wanna come over after your exam?" and I was like "I dunno..I might just want to..sleep."

What I really wanted to say was: I might just wanna crawl into bed and cry.

I found that funny when I thought it, just sounds plain morbid typed.

Bizarre..dating

It's bizarre but I just realised.

I was talking to my sister and my lovely brother-in-law (lol..that's not me being sarcastic just made me lol for some reason.)..erm..oh yeh, we were talking about marriage boyfriends etc. etc. and I realised I think I'm at the point in my life where it's like, sure maybe don't go looking for it yet but if love comes to you, s'alright..it's alright. Acceptable.

I'm sure you're thinking, what's the big deal about that. Well it's a big deal to me because after all these years of not being allowed to date, it's bizarre that the time where it's allowed is fast approaching..practically here?!!

Depression

I don't know if I'm depressed or just sad. I honestly can't tell the difference. I keep thinking about real clinical depression, the signs the symptoms and I keep thinking I can't be depressed because I'm only sad around..well now. Around exam time. And not even around most exams times..okay around most exam times but never as bad as this. This time's the worst.

I wonder if it's because my sister asked me if I was depressed and now I've gotten it into my head. I don't know if it's that.

I just know I'm really sad.

Getting it out

I keep saying the same thing over and over again. Reading it makes it so much worse because it's all the more obvious how repetitive it is. The reason I keep saying it over and OVER is because I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. I'm not bitching when I say "my sister will just tell me not to think about it and concentrate," or when I say "my friends. I just can't tell them. Although enough of it has already burst out of me in front of them." This is not me bitching about these people. They have all cared for me exceptionally, and I try, I do. I try and do my best by them too, in my own way trying to repay them.

But that's not what this is about. This is about me thinking the same morbid thoughts non-stop in my head. The same thing on repeat. Always on repeat. And this is me desperately trying to get it out in the only way left that I can think of.

Lifting the mood..or not.

Wow all my posts have been completely depressing lately. Exams do that to me.

Here's something to lift the mood:

Okay..so that was a flop. I was meant to refer to the How I Met Your Mother episode I just watched which was EPIC. Classic HIMYM. So bittersweet, which we all know is my thing.

Am I jealous of her and more blues

I was thinking about my sister. She's pregnant.

When I think about it, yeh, I reckon I am jealous. All I've ever wanted to to be pregnant. Have kids. Be loved. Get married. The stereotypical ordinary things that seem so far away.

And now it seems all I have is that I must succeed. Must get a career. And all those things I wanted are a long lost dream. I'm not being dramatic. Okay I am. But I'm losing hope I'll ever get those things. All that matters are things I..I find it hard to say "things I don't even want" because I do want them. I do want success but for all the wrong reasons. For my family's peace of mind. For society's peace of mind. For my peace of mind because of my family and society.

I'm so depressed. I'm so blue. Revision is not happening.

Hey Ho (TIFLOP)

Great. Just wonderful. One of the modules isn't included in the papers I'm doing.

Basically I've been doing papers instead of individually revising topics but then I realised, there isn't a single question for one of the most important modules in our course!!!

ARGHHHHHH!

So basically I'm gonna carry on, slowly as I do, until my sister calls back and tells me what to do cos I'm useless.

ANYWAY. Sup. What's going on? How are you? Alright? Decent day? No work right, out for summer. Good for you. Least one of us should be. Enjoy it. I'll join you soon enough :( Sad face because I woulda had to flop my exams first but hey ho..

It's funny but what the world really loves is not a lover but a love story.

Cornetto Cupidity ad

ADDICTED (BGT Luminites)

ADDICTED

Why history is such a bitch

Do you know why history is such a bitch? As in, in relationships. It's because they know you so well. you've gone so deep with them. Actually discovered parts of yourself talking to them. And it's not the same starting with a clean slate, the history's already there with that other person. And it takes a lot to get to that level of depth in the first place. Someone could be more compatible with you, but you don't care, all you can think about is that you've had this before, with someone else. And it was so good.

Are all the good times behind me?

Maybe I should give up.
I'm not talking about life this time.

I'm talking about Ajay. I keep reading chat logs and reminiscing and missing those days SO bad, then I'll whatsapp him and it's so lifeless. I was determined out of all of them, he's the one I could rekindle. But no, I should give up.

It's funny that I have real life friends now, ones I talk face-to-face but I miss these "online" friends more. It's not the same. Maybe it's me and my whole being-more-comfortable-online-thing. But no, I've gotten so much more comfortable in real life now.

I still miss the old times, and I always will, I know that. I just hope there's times ahead that are better than all of this, cos it'd be a shame if this is it; if all the good times are behind me.

The forefront of my mind

What's at the forefront of my mind; my mother's wasted hopefulness, my sister's frustration, my father's ignorance, my misery.

If you can't aim for perfection, you find it hard to find the motivation to aim at all.

Blue and Bored

I've been putting a lot of short posts up lately; lots of pictures, random thoughts that occur to me. Well, I'm blue and bored at the moment (and taking a "break" from studying..inverted commas because I'm ALWAYS on a break) so I figured I'd write.

Only problem with that is, I haven't got a specific topic in mind and when I'm topic-less I ramble which is pointless, boring and stupid.

I'll update on what I've been up to (which is nothing). I've been writing a lot on fictionpress because I got 2 reviews! Positive ones as well, which is amazing. So that was really encouraging and I wrote more..which brought no reviews..But of course my attention is so divided, between writing and not working so nothing I've written is great.

I watched a couple of episode of  "The Undateables", a show about people with disabilities and such finding love. It's very uplifting and gives you hope that you can find love too. If they can, then of course you can! That sounds very degrading but I don't mean that in a rude way at all..even though I'm sure it's hard to look at that in any way but rude..

Watching this show also made me more open minded, thinking along the lines of: I could date a tourettes guy. Sure. Why not. Of course I'm well aware how truly challenging dating anyone with a disability would be,  it's not just as easy as that, I know that.

-------------------------------------------

Just received a call from my sister..see I hate writing depressing posts. I mean I haven't written many to be honest, that one depressing one that I did write, only problem with it was that it was SO depressing. Suicidal, even though I wasn't suicidal it really sounded like I was.

I just feel really hopeless.

I should explain, she called me checking up on my work. I've done none, exaggerated about the amount I have done and she was still understandably disappointed.

I just feel very hopeless, too hopeless to work. I have no motivation.