Raymond

I don't want to talk about this.

Simultaneously, I do.

I have this thing, this belief. The more you talk about things, particularly things that bother you, the worse they get. It makes sense. I fully believe it. Now I don't want to make a thing out of this and I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I'm just too embarrassed to talk about it. It's the exact same feeling I get when I approach the 'Ajay' topic. That's why I've told barely anyone about him, the truth about him.

God I need to stop procrastinating about all this shit. That's the real truth. Oh well, I'm a girl, it's actually socially acceptable. So I'm gonna let myself off and procrastinate awayy.

I begin year one and I am so sociable, I am the version of me I've always wanted to be. Outgoing, friendly, don't confine myself to only certain groups of people, to small group of intimate friends. Eventually, obviously, I slipped back into my old ways, became quiet..er, and only really stuck to my close friends. And that's okay, it was so hard to maintain that other version of myself, maybe I'll perfect it someday. No regrets.

The point is I was awesome, outgoing, awesome. I met so many people, naturally. Amongst them was Ray.




I really don't want to tell this story. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I'm so scared to tell this story. I've always been afraid of him. Of getting too close, of all the 'what ifs'.

*Deep breath*

I met him and we talked and got along. The few times we talked face to face, it was just like with any other guy. I didn't think much of it. Then we started talking on Facebook.












Can’t get onto the blog to see where I left off but basically I was being sociable..I met Ray..we talked in real life, then we started talking on Facebook. And so it begins.

We hit it off. I reread all our conversations the other day. There weren’t many of them but each individual one was very long. And wonderful. Really wonderful. The kind of wonderful I really miss from my life. There is nothing like that feeling, those emotions, just that experience of when you first talk to someone, someone special. Someone you get along with so well with instantly. There are certain types of people out there who you simply match with. I’ve met a few people like that. I wish there was a word for it. It’s an in-between. Not soulmates, nowhere near that strong. A calmer less forceful, definite, freer nice version.

Any-who we started talking and we clicked and it freaked the shit out of me. I’ve felt this before, alarm bells were going off. I knew this feeling, I recognised it only too well. Ajay. Even if I had never experienced anything like it before I would have known what was happening. Or maybe I would have been more naïve and went ahead. Wouldn’t have run away. I got so scared. Scared to start liking him. Scared to let myself. I didn’t want to let it happen. I’d been through this with Ajay before and I’ve regretted it all this time. There isn’t really any reason for me to regret it so bad. Nothing really happened. But as stupid as it sounds it feels like I have a tarnished record now. Tarnished record as in I don't have a clean slate when it comes to relationships.

It doesn’t really matter, that’s only half the reason I regret the whole thing. Point is I was a coward and..to be honest I can’t remember if I ran, I probably did, or if we just faded, got busy. Flashforward to now and it didn’t occur to me that he could have possibly..been thinking along the same lines. I didn’t think about what he could have been feeling at all. For some reason I’m always so blind when it comes to these things. Sometimes I get along so well with certain guys, it’s actually not that common an occurrence, but it never crosses my mind that I enjoy their company and they feel the same way. It’s very obvious but it just completely-I just completely miss it.

A couple of weeks ago I find out Ray liked me. He actually liked me. Missed it completely. Now I can’t say I liked him, I didn’t dare let myself! This always happens. Okay not always but it’s a bit stupid that this isn’t the first time it’s happened. I’m so oblivious. The signs the signs the signs. He went as far as telling his friend. My god. That’s a big deal. You don’t just tell people unless you mean it. Especially guys!

I kinda feel bad? No. I don’t know.

Well never mind..

I don’t regret anything. It was nice. I enjoyed it. It was so nice. And you know what, it’s untarnished, not ruined by anything, and let it stay that way! I’m okay with that.

I also think I’m cool with remaining oblivious to these things. It’s so much better to be caught by surprise-by pleasant surprises.