Update: the reception and let's revelotionise my life!

I am currently working as a Receptionist, ondumae seyiraku illa, viser addikuru. Anaal athukaha kooda vela venum indu illa. Paravale.

Anywho. It's Christmas! So that's good. But slightly gotten over the hype. Was much more excited last week, the week before and even end of November. Whilst no one else was. Today was such stressful morning. I've still got the headache to prove it. But I don't want to moan about that.

I hate our TV. There I go moaning again. But in my defense I was just moaning because I want to watch Christmas films :D

Something happy something happy...

Okay not exactly happy BUT I'm going to do the Big Horrible Test again and hopefully everything will be awesome. Doubtful but, well let's just see shall we.

Maybe going to a show with Nancy and Kate on Saturday, hopefully go, hopefully good, hopefully meet the love of my life there - NO! No more thinking like that. On my cold horrid walk to work I decided, as I do everyday, that I must stop this obsession with boys. Every Asian guy I see, and sometimes the occasional tanned Caucasian I mistake for Asian, queue: imagination overdrive.

I've also developed, well not so much developed as much as realised, I have terrible self esteem issues. Every time I make eye contact with anyone I immediately start going into this spiral about how awful, childlike and ugly I look. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm completely up myself about how fabulously attractive I am. Those are the times I'm in front of the mirror.

Garghh! Just glanced at the time. Doom. DOOM! It's only quarter past three. Of course I am still in keeping with the rule of: don't-check-clock-at-work-or-chem-tuition-cos-I'll-regret-it-and-time-is-a-b****-so-slow.
Toying with the idea of ommiting inappropriate parts of blog then sending link out to Sarah, Priya and Kit. Release into public. Bit fed up of writing to no one to be perfectly honest. Hm. Would have to cut out half of entire blog r.e. sulking depression etc.

Should I make a new blog entirely? Seems a shame to delete so many posts..

Yep make new blog! Eurgh effort. I do have the time on my hands though..

What was I talking about before this? Ah yes, I am an extremely self conscious person with no self-image confidence..
Hmm even that sounds dripping with sarcasm, doesn't fit my character at all.
..who am I?

Conclusion: I need to dress more nicely, it just makes me feel better. Most mornings I look in the mirror and either a) cba or b) think I look fine but the day will draw out every piece of morning freshness seen in the mirror and replace face with oily dead looking thing.
Bought a bunch of new clothes, wear them. Buy accessories, NEW COAT, new bag. Stop being a tramp. Buy decent shoes. Bought blue ones, disaster, cannot wear with all outfits, look like retard wearing all grey then bright blue shoes. Buy decent trousers, been wearing the same work/professional trousers since school and they are huge, flappy and ridiculous. Must buy tight leather trousers or similar, flattering to body. Trousers and coat important as they are the only two items visible when outside. So no matter how wonderfully I have dressed on the inside, to the hot Asian guys at the station (whom I will no longer look at), well basically just go get fashionable awesome new stuff. Revolutionise self, become awesome.

Another passing thought that occurred whilst on commute: may have to purchase religious or similar book about how to stop lingering thoughts of romance in relation to attractive strangers seen throughout journey to work. I just can't help myself, how do I make it stop?!

I want something to live for

I want something to live for.

I was meant to write my personal statement for optometry but instead I sat here moping for hours about how much I hate my life. Typical.

My sister rang this morning before work and apologised for not having gotten the chance to work on it. She's been doing 12pm-10pm shifts this week and by the time she got home, at eleven, she was too exhausted to do anything. Every morning she tells me she meant to get up early to do it but couldn't bring herself to. She was too tired, understandable.

In any case, how dare I ask her such a thing at all? I should do it myself.

And so here I sit. Nothing. Every time I try to do it, blank. Or so I tell everyone, and to a certain extent it's true but really it's just that I don't want to do it. I make things big in my head..I'm tired of hearing myself say that.
"I blow things up in my head until it gets bigger and bigger, worse and worse until I detest this task, and I can't do it." I told my sister that just the other week. A few months ago the deadly task was revision. Ah revision.

So here's where I am today. I glanced at my previous post and it was about how depressed I was, finals were on my doorstep, I'm pretty sure it was the next day. I was not prepared and everything was awful. I'd been in the same position exactly one year previously and in my heart I was hoping that, just as I had the past year, I would get over it. There would be hope and everything would be fine.

To be honest it was, for around the four weeks before results. But even during that period there was a twinge, a shade of doom, grey ,that coloured that should-have-been blissful wait during which I could pretend everything was fine. Alas (ha, Dumbledore) results arrived and I cried. And yet it felt as though I'd gotten most of it out of my system the days before exams. I remember the day before the Neuro exam I lay on my brother-in-law's study floor and wept oh so dramatically. Exactly how they do in those films just without the sad, sad music. Instead there was an eerie quiet punctuated by my sobs. So sad.

Yep I'm a drama queen, but we all are okay?!!

I've been on a downward spiral since, I can't be bother to pinpoint when. From GCSEs everything's been going down and I just want to find peace. Right now I just was to ride another wave for a while, like the Biomed wave I clung onto for the last three years and I constantly swear that "this time it'll be different! This time I promise!" How is anyone going to believe me if even I have half-stopped believing myself.

And why does it matter if people don't believe in me? Because those people matter. My family matter.

I almost detest my mum for telling me she wouldn't be happy if I went into teaching. It was the one career that I felt some glimmer of hope towards, some light, maybe I could be happy doing that? But no, and to be honest I only let it go so easily, after she expressed her disapproval, because I wasn't sure about it either. The only thing I feel anything real towards is Dentistry. For so many years, especially the last three, I had such doubt in my heart, it felt like everyone had decided that path for me but now I realise that it was what I wanted. And maybe I had to realise it for myself, but at what cost? Did I really have to realise it after I had waved goodbye to it so thoroughly.

I haven't even mentioned the money. I have wasted so much money on my education and I have so much more to squander. It is trully sad.

Let me come full circle. I am lost. I got a 2.2 in a flop of a degree and now have nowhere to go in life. I am completely stuck and I want something to live for.

Finals and Regrets

Things aren't great. I'm trying to keep positive, it's hard but I'm trying.

My sisters helps a lot.
Always says to keep positive it's going to be okay.
I try to believe her.

I have so many regrets in life that it feels like I regret my whole life. And in a way I guess I truly do.

I've gone back in my mind and tried to pinpoint the exact moment where I would begin the changes. As I'm writing this I'm realising I don't like myself very much, I thought I was happy with myself but I now realise I'm not. It's not that I regret my whole life. I just hate myself.

It's not my life I want to change, it's me. I want to make myself perfect and what's the point of that! I don't want to be perfect.

So I just need to change the important, "disastrous" events during my little travelling-back-in-time escapade. GCSEs were bad but I can live with them. ASs were the worst..and yet I can live with them. A Levels, God how I wish I could change that. I'm seriously considering changing that when I travel back in time. Could I live with that?

Immediately what crosses my mind is my friends. My beautiful Uni friends. My Uni experiences.

I feel like I've heard a thousand people say -sorry a thousand accomplished, fulfilled, awesome people say they have no regrets. I hate that. I hate that I want to rewrite my whole life. But then again, if we could write out our own lives could we bring ourselves to write in those excruciatingly difficult moments. Those hard, hard life lessons which, once we overcome, we're so glad we went through and "don't regret for a second."

It's strange thinking about that, how we humans may not be able to bear writing cruel stories for people to live out, it somehow affirms my (near non-existent) belief in God. Usually it's the other way round, the fact that there's suffering makes people doubt His existence. But somehow it makes sense. It takes someone truly..brave? Strong? All knowing? I don't even know the word. Someone extraordinary to write a story so painful. And yet so necessary.

Maybe I'm just so desperate for something, anything, that I'm begging for a God. Sounds about right!

So where does that leave me? I guess at the end of it, I just hope

...things turn out okay.

Raymond

I don't want to talk about this.

Simultaneously, I do.

I have this thing, this belief. The more you talk about things, particularly things that bother you, the worse they get. It makes sense. I fully believe it. Now I don't want to make a thing out of this and I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I'm just too embarrassed to talk about it. It's the exact same feeling I get when I approach the 'Ajay' topic. That's why I've told barely anyone about him, the truth about him.

God I need to stop procrastinating about all this shit. That's the real truth. Oh well, I'm a girl, it's actually socially acceptable. So I'm gonna let myself off and procrastinate awayy.

I begin year one and I am so sociable, I am the version of me I've always wanted to be. Outgoing, friendly, don't confine myself to only certain groups of people, to small group of intimate friends. Eventually, obviously, I slipped back into my old ways, became quiet..er, and only really stuck to my close friends. And that's okay, it was so hard to maintain that other version of myself, maybe I'll perfect it someday. No regrets.

The point is I was awesome, outgoing, awesome. I met so many people, naturally. Amongst them was Ray.




I really don't want to tell this story. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I'm so scared to tell this story. I've always been afraid of him. Of getting too close, of all the 'what ifs'.

*Deep breath*

I met him and we talked and got along. The few times we talked face to face, it was just like with any other guy. I didn't think much of it. Then we started talking on Facebook.












Can’t get onto the blog to see where I left off but basically I was being sociable..I met Ray..we talked in real life, then we started talking on Facebook. And so it begins.

We hit it off. I reread all our conversations the other day. There weren’t many of them but each individual one was very long. And wonderful. Really wonderful. The kind of wonderful I really miss from my life. There is nothing like that feeling, those emotions, just that experience of when you first talk to someone, someone special. Someone you get along with so well with instantly. There are certain types of people out there who you simply match with. I’ve met a few people like that. I wish there was a word for it. It’s an in-between. Not soulmates, nowhere near that strong. A calmer less forceful, definite, freer nice version.

Any-who we started talking and we clicked and it freaked the shit out of me. I’ve felt this before, alarm bells were going off. I knew this feeling, I recognised it only too well. Ajay. Even if I had never experienced anything like it before I would have known what was happening. Or maybe I would have been more naïve and went ahead. Wouldn’t have run away. I got so scared. Scared to start liking him. Scared to let myself. I didn’t want to let it happen. I’d been through this with Ajay before and I’ve regretted it all this time. There isn’t really any reason for me to regret it so bad. Nothing really happened. But as stupid as it sounds it feels like I have a tarnished record now. Tarnished record as in I don't have a clean slate when it comes to relationships.

It doesn’t really matter, that’s only half the reason I regret the whole thing. Point is I was a coward and..to be honest I can’t remember if I ran, I probably did, or if we just faded, got busy. Flashforward to now and it didn’t occur to me that he could have possibly..been thinking along the same lines. I didn’t think about what he could have been feeling at all. For some reason I’m always so blind when it comes to these things. Sometimes I get along so well with certain guys, it’s actually not that common an occurrence, but it never crosses my mind that I enjoy their company and they feel the same way. It’s very obvious but it just completely-I just completely miss it.

A couple of weeks ago I find out Ray liked me. He actually liked me. Missed it completely. Now I can’t say I liked him, I didn’t dare let myself! This always happens. Okay not always but it’s a bit stupid that this isn’t the first time it’s happened. I’m so oblivious. The signs the signs the signs. He went as far as telling his friend. My god. That’s a big deal. You don’t just tell people unless you mean it. Especially guys!

I kinda feel bad? No. I don’t know.

Well never mind..

I don’t regret anything. It was nice. I enjoyed it. It was so nice. And you know what, it’s untarnished, not ruined by anything, and let it stay that way! I’m okay with that.

I also think I’m cool with remaining oblivious to these things. It’s so much better to be caught by surprise-by pleasant surprises.

NOTHING PERSONAL

Over our routine breakfast I asked Sarah what the talk I was kicked out of was about. She told me one of the questions asked was whether he, the talker, believed people should know each other before marriage. He said no. I cannot express how much this, I don’t even know what the word is. Upsets? Shocks? It just shook me. There was this girl, Mary-Nana and she got an arranged marriage, to her cousin. Let’s just breeze past that fact, yes in this time, age and especially here in the UK you’d think all this marrying your cousin business wouldn’t really go down, but well. There you go. And he’s a freshie.

Basically she was telling us, her friends, about her engagement and she casually said,
“Yeh we text, but it’s only ‘How are you?’ ‘Okay. You.’ ‘Okay.’ Because you know, our teacher said
nothing personal.”

….nothing personal. Let me explain. Her religious teacher has taught her that she is not to talk





Ok this is an incomplete post but it was talking about something very important..maybe someday I'll find the motivation to continue it.

Sam Kang, If I Don't Know

If I don’t know if I can… recognize your face anymore,
or say your name- for what it’s worth…
maybe we’re better off alone…

Didn’t think of you this morning…but I thought of you right now…
And if we lose it all for nothing…for a name I can’t pronounce…

I’m all out of words to say-
no trace of your name or face
Cause we live in a world of change
So tell me who you are
Cause it’s just too damn hard…

If I don’t know if I can… recognize my face anymore,
or say my name- for what it’s worth…
maybe we’re better off alone…

If I don’t know if I can… recognize your face anymore,
or say your name- for what it’s worth…
maybe we’re better off alone…




I spent ages trying to figure out this song. What it meant. I knew the writer didn't mean what I was thinking, he was saying one thing and I was hearing another.

I finally deciphered it, there's this person, this girl who the writer broke up with and he doesn't recognise her anymore. It's obviously not about her appearance, it's her personality. Who she is. Things have gone down and she's changed..they've changed. Maybe she scarred him, maybe it was the things they went through, the things she did to him, put him through. Maybe a huge amount of time's passed..point is, he doesn't know her anymore and now here she is. He's wondering if they should try..again. But he doesn't know her. Anymore.

And he's changed too, 'I don't know if I can recognise my face anymore.' Maybe we're better off alone.

He doesn't want to risk it either, 'lose it all for nothing.'


Now back to me.

All I could hear, by the time I meet you..that person I belong with. Will it be too late, will I have exhausted myself out too much to, recognise you anymore? Maybe we're better off alone.

It's haunting.

Maybe we're better off alone, and that's ok. It's good. It's hard for to accept that I might be better off..but it fits. It makes sense. To be alone. To be without you. It fits..it makes sense. Better off alone.

Boys boys boys

Reading old posts, came across this one: http://youknowwhotwo.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/soulmates.html

It's the one about how I don't believe in soulmates and this one bit got me thinking. I said I think there are plenty of people near you that you are compatible with. I explained that just within your vicinity there are plenty of people you're compatible, let alone the entire world. Then I went on to talk about how this meant I didn't believe in the idea of soulmates etc.

I was reading this and it struck me. That's not true. I am not compatible with "plenty of people around me." Not at all. Far from it, I'm compatible with barely any. Isn't that why finding, falling in love is so darn hard!

I'm talking about this and two people immediately spring to mind. Wait. There you go, and now there's a third.

1) Raymond
2) Mitch
3) Ajay

Firstly let me quickly bring you up to speed on my life.







Kris. I just Whatsapped him. Out of the blue cos I was reminiscing about him (standard.) with Cutie-Pie. AKA K-Dawg. Okay that's going to be way too hard to spell, Kit.

God I can't stand it when ARGH. Basically it goes like this. There's two of them. Ajay and Kris. They're both guilty of doing this. Ajay's worse off that Kris. What I'm rambling on about is, I can't stand that I used to be so close to them, used to talk so much to them and now, nothing. It's maddening. School friendships, uni friendships, just generally with girls, it's understandable.

Having said that I'm now thinking about it. Why is it that I'm able to forgive these girls for losing contact but not these guys? Is it because they're boys? Is it because I used to have feelings for them? No. It's because I used to talk so much with them. I never talked to these girls that way and it's heartbreaking. And yes maybe it's worse because they're guys and for some inexplicable, unreasonable, stupid reason, I can't forgive them because of that.

That's just how it is.

I just keep asking myself, do they really not care about me? When I'm sitting here thinking about them, constantly wondering, how can you not care when I care so much? I just wonder, will I ever know? I pray that Ajay, at least Ajay, he at least owes me an explaination. I don't mind if it's years down the line, after I stop caring..just some reassurance that they care. Maybe I won't get it, but I hope I do. From one of them, Ajay, Kris, Hari, hell even Matt! Anyone.

Why did they have to do this. Why did this have to happen.
And I know the answer to that, it's not really their fault-but I can't help but blame them! I've tried, I've honestly tried to contact them, maintain some form of decent relationship with them, but they all reject me. I hate it.



Well this is depressing! Lol.

Shall I go back to catching you up on my life? Okay!

I cannot be asked to go through everything. I remember as soon as every little thing happened I would be desperate to recount it, to write it down to tell someone, Kit, about it. And now. Meh. So Priya has been teasing me about two very good looking guys. I now have a semi-(major/not major..it's complicated)crush  on the less good looking guy. He is AMAZING. That's all I need to say.

Okay that was not very relevant to my post at all. The deal with those two guys, especially..Umar is that..I just got really frustrated because guys like that would never notice me in a million years. And it was so frustrating for me that my friends and even the boys themselves were teasing me..it grew feelings in my heart (yes yes corny) and made me feel so..ugly. Unworthy.

I guess I needed a reality check anyway,

But good things happened too. I found out Juan liked me..hm. So Juan is the guy who, I don't know. He's..I don't even know how to describe him. He's ok. I like him. As in not like-like but yeh like. :)
I doubt he that seriously likes me, I don't know. I wonder if he has a much a crush on me as I do some random guy..I have a crush on. Maybe.

I really shouldn't revel in some guy liking me, especially because I know what it's like. I SO know what it's like, only too well. When you like someone soo much and they sort of just like having you round. Like have you as a friend. Eurgh. Of course I'm talking about Kris.

But I couldn't help but feel like, "Oh. Someone does like me. I'm likeable afterall!" Especially after how shit I was feeling after the two hotties. And..I can't really do anything about Juan. New thought that just occured to me: I could be nice to him. Just make him happy, and I could see if it comes back to me in the form of Umar. Always a ulterior motive. No. I cannot lead him on. I can't. Plus can't stand my friends teasing. Plus..Umar et. co. don't actually know I'm "semi" crushing on them..ANYWAY!

Then I found out Ray liked me. Wow. It's so strange...

Let me tell you the story of Ray. First year we meet....


I need to stop, cannot spend my entire life blogging
Saying that I'll probably be back in two minutes after having read what I've said.

Barriers

I have so much more to say.

There is this strong idea that there are barriers in Islam. Then I gained a close Muslim friend who invited me to explore her religion. It was less about her taking me to events and more to do with what we discussed. She, without even realising it, encouraged me to be more open-minded, and her religion was not the religion that I'd heard so much about before.

And so I let my guards down. Until the metal door came crashing down. Then I realised why all the non-Muslims had expressed such opposing views on this religion, the ideas that I had previously presumed before my exploration into Islam with my friend.

It makes sense.
I feel left out.

Seclusion and Islam

I was just thinking about how secluding Islam can be today, in fact it crosses my mind a lot. It's not cos I'm a racist..religist? I swear. It's because one of my best friend's Muslim and we've had innumerable, polite, civilised debates on religion, philosophy, everything. And it's difficult not to question something you are so heavily exposed to.

So in the most respectful way possible I was pondering the seclusion of Islam, especially between men and women. As it so happened there was a lecture on "Love and Relationships in Islam" held by the Islamic Soc today and I had decided to go. I'd been to a lecture last week and was just very interested in Islam and all these areas.

I arrived at today's lecture, got settled. Then I was asked to leave. It's not as dramatic as it sounds, Aaron pulled Sarah to the side and explained the situation, that it was Islamic Soc members only.

There's the first question. Islamic Soc members..what does that even mean? Does that mean Muslims only? Or does that mean people have contributed to "ISOC" significantly. Either way I have supported ISOC on various accounts. The number of events I've attended, but that's not the point. I don't feel like I deserve to have been left alone but..I don't know. It was embarassing. No matter what I told Sarah.

And so returning to the whole seclusion of it all. I have pondered the seclusion of Islam. Scolded myself for thinking such thoughts, told myself it's wrong to judge, it's not my place, they have their reasons. But this, this is really pushing me to no longer feel guilty for feeling Islam is secluded. After having been kicked out of a lecture for not being Muslim, I feel the seclusion and I'm sitting here wondering if Muslims themselves feel it too.

I doubt it, they are so dedicated and absorbed (as negative as this sounds, I definitely do not mean this in a negative way) in their religion, I doubt they feel it is wrong. Now here I sit, telling myself, just don't go again, don't go to another talk no matter what they say, no matter if they say it's open to everyone. It's not worth the risk and humiliation and the fact of the matter is, you do not belong.

Post Valentine's Day

Oh Valentine's Day is over! It's 1.15 AM, and yeh, yesterday was Valentine's Day. I bigged it up in my head, Priya said she did too. Don't know why, it's just an ordinary day. ANYWAY I went to the kitchen and what I find hilarious is girls have thrown flowers in the bin. I was one of them.

I have been obsessing..CONTINUE!!!!!!

Crush

SO life.

I got an iPhone last week and been enjoying the hell out of it. Been awesome :) totally distracted by it, but hey, would have been distracted even without it so.

Storytime:

"But I don't understand what a crush even is!"

He sighed and leant back against the tree, stared at their lake so she could only see the side of his face with the light stinging her eyes. She refused to look away.

"A crush is..when two friends, who really care about each other, start talking to each other more and more. They could have been merely passing each other by for years but all of a suddenly they can't go a day without talking to each other. They're best friends but everything changes and they develop deep feelings for each other..but they may be scared to admit it."

He was frowning now. She contemplated this staring at the grass.

He continued, "A crush is when you really fancy someone." He was determinedly staring away from her, sitting very still, waiting for her response. She couldn't help the smile that grew on her face, she never could when it was him. She gripped her knees to her chest even tighter, buried her face into her knees and exclaimed: "I guess I have a crush on you then!"

There was a beat of silence. She realised what she'd said and ran. She always did this and to be honest she had already sub-conciously decided to run in the split second she decided she was going to say it.

the loss of inspiration..my titles are so much more interesting than my posts

Sitting in computer rooms, at least I’m on my favourite row, I never get my favourite computer these days. There were two times last week when the urge to blog was especially compelling but I resisted and inspiration is gone. I was gonna write sulkly whiny posts anyway so doesn’t matter.