If I were to go out with someone and it didn't work out, I don't think I could survive it. At all.

I was meant to see Nisha but I hate making her see me like this. She can't understand it at all.

Every time I try to climb out she shoves me back down. Brutally.

I try so hard to be happy but she makes me miserable.

Ultimate Couples

Ross and Rachel
Romeo and Juliet
Antony and Cleopatra
Will and Kate
Edward and Bella
Ron and Hermione
Beauty and the Beast
Aladdin and Jasmine
Cinderella and Prince Charming
Brad and Angelina
Posh and Becks
Barbie and Ken
Fred and Wilma
Danny and Sandy
Walle and Eve
Carl and Ellie
Suriya and Jyothika

Chandler and Joey
Timon and Pumba

P.S. Social media sucks

because I feel like they've stolen my most precious memories.

I mean look at me, I'm talking to myself! And enjoying it.

Although this is my desperately hoping someone would read this. No one will. Deep down I know that.

Up in the Air

I just watched Up in the Air, the George Clooney film. It was good. The ending was a bit..but I guess it was good. It was about a guy who fires people for a living who has this whole "philosophy" for living thing. He loves his solitary life, his life without attachments-to people, objects..anything really. I can connect with that.

Then in the inevitable dawning of realisation; when he realises he has been living his whole life wrong he says:
"Think of your fondest memories. Were you alone?
 When you were thinking those awful thoughts..were you alone."
Hearing that I feel like an idiot. I isolate myself, brutally. I bring my..depression on myself.

It's not too late for me, but even as I think these things my instinct is to isolate myself longer. Just a little longer, just a little longer then I'll socialise with people. Do I make excuses for myself?

I know I have to work and sort myself out. The words I utter to myself everyday. But I guess I also need to live. I'm struggling to live and I'm figuring out, even though I already should have known, a good step towards living may be to just, make myself be with people, enjoy it. Then I guess the living comes naturally.

scattered

This is going to be my attempt at a non-depressing post.

My friends were thinking about meeting up on Monday/Tuesday to go Hyde Park or something. Only problem is I don't know if I'll be working. Hopefully not. I hate working. No explanation required.

I could make a good film critic. No I couldn't. I've figured, people who have "good taste" in films, music..etc. are just people with a lot of time on their hands. AKA losers.

My thoughts are so scattered.

When I was working at Madame Tussuads, Sonia, the girl/woman there was saying how she did Biomed and how she should have done something artsy instead. It was a low moment. The thought that maybe I could end up like her, shitty job, boredom. It's realistic.

But that wasn't the point I was trying to make. So much for not being depressing. My point was, could I have done something artsy instead? No. Couldn't have worked. I don't have the talent. Only the exceptional make it in those fields.

Good times

I find it really hard to imagine that there could be good times ahead at all. My future seems so bleak. I find it hard to imagine myself happy. I don't know whether true happiness is attainable, for me.

I was reading the post where I wrote, I can't be depressed because I'm only depressed around exam time. Well exams have gone and it's official. I'm depressed.

Feelings

I am experiencing an overwhelming number of feelings.

At the forefront of my mind: I'm hungry. I hope mother gets up and gives me food.

I got my results today. I did terrible. I got the pass mark.

Utter frustration and loss and..I hate myself.



I wonder where I'll be in a year's time. I hope to God I'm okay.