Barriers

I have so much more to say.

There is this strong idea that there are barriers in Islam. Then I gained a close Muslim friend who invited me to explore her religion. It was less about her taking me to events and more to do with what we discussed. She, without even realising it, encouraged me to be more open-minded, and her religion was not the religion that I'd heard so much about before.

And so I let my guards down. Until the metal door came crashing down. Then I realised why all the non-Muslims had expressed such opposing views on this religion, the ideas that I had previously presumed before my exploration into Islam with my friend.

It makes sense.
I feel left out.

Seclusion and Islam

I was just thinking about how secluding Islam can be today, in fact it crosses my mind a lot. It's not cos I'm a racist..religist? I swear. It's because one of my best friend's Muslim and we've had innumerable, polite, civilised debates on religion, philosophy, everything. And it's difficult not to question something you are so heavily exposed to.

So in the most respectful way possible I was pondering the seclusion of Islam, especially between men and women. As it so happened there was a lecture on "Love and Relationships in Islam" held by the Islamic Soc today and I had decided to go. I'd been to a lecture last week and was just very interested in Islam and all these areas.

I arrived at today's lecture, got settled. Then I was asked to leave. It's not as dramatic as it sounds, Aaron pulled Sarah to the side and explained the situation, that it was Islamic Soc members only.

There's the first question. Islamic Soc members..what does that even mean? Does that mean Muslims only? Or does that mean people have contributed to "ISOC" significantly. Either way I have supported ISOC on various accounts. The number of events I've attended, but that's not the point. I don't feel like I deserve to have been left alone but..I don't know. It was embarassing. No matter what I told Sarah.

And so returning to the whole seclusion of it all. I have pondered the seclusion of Islam. Scolded myself for thinking such thoughts, told myself it's wrong to judge, it's not my place, they have their reasons. But this, this is really pushing me to no longer feel guilty for feeling Islam is secluded. After having been kicked out of a lecture for not being Muslim, I feel the seclusion and I'm sitting here wondering if Muslims themselves feel it too.

I doubt it, they are so dedicated and absorbed (as negative as this sounds, I definitely do not mean this in a negative way) in their religion, I doubt they feel it is wrong. Now here I sit, telling myself, just don't go again, don't go to another talk no matter what they say, no matter if they say it's open to everyone. It's not worth the risk and humiliation and the fact of the matter is, you do not belong.

Post Valentine's Day

Oh Valentine's Day is over! It's 1.15 AM, and yeh, yesterday was Valentine's Day. I bigged it up in my head, Priya said she did too. Don't know why, it's just an ordinary day. ANYWAY I went to the kitchen and what I find hilarious is girls have thrown flowers in the bin. I was one of them.

I have been obsessing..CONTINUE!!!!!!

Crush

SO life.

I got an iPhone last week and been enjoying the hell out of it. Been awesome :) totally distracted by it, but hey, would have been distracted even without it so.

Storytime:

"But I don't understand what a crush even is!"

He sighed and leant back against the tree, stared at their lake so she could only see the side of his face with the light stinging her eyes. She refused to look away.

"A crush is..when two friends, who really care about each other, start talking to each other more and more. They could have been merely passing each other by for years but all of a suddenly they can't go a day without talking to each other. They're best friends but everything changes and they develop deep feelings for each other..but they may be scared to admit it."

He was frowning now. She contemplated this staring at the grass.

He continued, "A crush is when you really fancy someone." He was determinedly staring away from her, sitting very still, waiting for her response. She couldn't help the smile that grew on her face, she never could when it was him. She gripped her knees to her chest even tighter, buried her face into her knees and exclaimed: "I guess I have a crush on you then!"

There was a beat of silence. She realised what she'd said and ran. She always did this and to be honest she had already sub-conciously decided to run in the split second she decided she was going to say it.

the loss of inspiration..my titles are so much more interesting than my posts

Sitting in computer rooms, at least I’m on my favourite row, I never get my favourite computer these days. There were two times last week when the urge to blog was especially compelling but I resisted and inspiration is gone. I was gonna write sulkly whiny posts anyway so doesn’t matter.

THE BOYFRIEND LETTER

Hi.

I've written a million letters to you over the years..I've gone through two major phases; one was after I broke up with A. I hope to God I've mentioned him to you before now otherwise that'll be a HELL of a shocker. AWKS. I also hope I've grown out of the habit of saying that <<

Whilst I'm making a list of things I'm hoping for! I hope I'm super hot by the time I've met you, I hopeeeee...

Alright fine this isn't about me! Focus!

As I was saying, I've written a million letters to you and as I was reading my latest bunch I was thinking "haha these are funny maybe I'll show them to him afterall". But I was also thinking "woah this is shitload of letters, he's gonna get boredddddd." So I figured let's try condensing my thoughts and write one big mother of a letter :)

I guess the main thing I blabbered on about in all those letters is that you've kept me waiting. This is a very important point becauseeeee to me it felt like you were keeping me waiting an ETERNITY. It's been pretty unbearable. And yes, I'm trying to make you feel bad cos that's how hard it's been.

Okay I'm being mean. If you're reading this letter then that means you finally turned up and I guess I've gotta thank you for that at least! (Sure took your time though...gr.)





When I started writing this it seemed like a good idea but now that I'm here I don't quite know what I want to say, or do. I guess I wanted to give you an insight into what I was like before I met you? I guess I just wanted to talk to you..I probably just wanted to convince myself that you exist, somewhere out there in the world..cos right now..I'm loney. And missing you. So this is my coping mechanism..me reminding myself to tell you off for keeping me waiting..and to warn you that you better be worth the wait!!!!!!!

..the point is..I love you. I haven't even met you yet but I know you're out there. I refuse to lose hope. Just..get here a bit faster could you? I'm missing you SO much.

K.

WAITING

Listening to "Hey Soul Sister I don't wanta listen to...blah blah blah" googling images bout love life beauty etc. basically looking for a new Whatsapp picture, massive waste of time I know but yeh!

Thinking bout love and something occurred to me; people always critisise people waiting around for love, they're always like "get out there stead of just waiting around" and sure to a certain extent yes, you must put yourself out there etc.

Those who believe in fate and such (I'm obviously not one) would disagree I guess and think there's nothing wrong with just waiting round. I also would like to just wait around.

Right at the moment, I've got a bunch of things to do..biomed. But soon as that's done..well can't say I'm gonna make a massive change and go on a quest for love but..well




I'll find you.