I want something to live for.
I was meant to write my personal statement for optometry but instead I sat here moping for hours about how much I hate my life. Typical.
My sister rang this morning before work and apologised for not having gotten the chance to work on it. She's been doing 12pm-10pm shifts this week and by the time she got home, at eleven, she was too exhausted to do anything. Every morning she tells me she meant to get up early to do it but couldn't bring herself to. She was too tired, understandable.
In any case, how dare I ask her such a thing at all? I should do it myself.
And so here I sit. Nothing. Every time I try to do it, blank. Or so I tell everyone, and to a certain extent it's true but really it's just that I don't want to do it. I make things big in my head..I'm tired of hearing myself say that.
"I blow things up in my head until it gets bigger and bigger, worse and worse until I detest this task, and I can't do it." I told my sister that just the other week. A few months ago the deadly task was revision. Ah revision.
So here's where I am today. I glanced at my previous post and it was about how depressed I was, finals were on my doorstep, I'm pretty sure it was the next day. I was not prepared and everything was awful. I'd been in the same position exactly one year previously and in my heart I was hoping that, just as I had the past year, I would get over it. There would be hope and everything would be fine.
To be honest it was, for around the four weeks before results. But even during that period there was a twinge, a shade of doom, grey ,that coloured that should-have-been blissful wait during which I could pretend everything was fine. Alas (ha, Dumbledore) results arrived and I cried. And yet it felt as though I'd gotten most of it out of my system the days before exams. I remember the day before the Neuro exam I lay on my brother-in-law's study floor and wept oh so dramatically. Exactly how they do in those films just without the sad, sad music. Instead there was an eerie quiet punctuated by my sobs. So sad.
Yep I'm a drama queen, but we all are okay?!!
I've been on a downward spiral since, I can't be bother to pinpoint when. From GCSEs everything's been going down and I just want to find peace. Right now I just was to ride another wave for a while, like the Biomed wave I clung onto for the last three years and I constantly swear that "this time it'll be different! This time I promise!" How is anyone going to believe me if even I have half-stopped believing myself.
And why does it matter if people don't believe in me? Because those people matter. My family matter.
I almost detest my mum for telling me she wouldn't be happy if I went into teaching. It was the one career that I felt some glimmer of hope towards, some light, maybe I could be happy doing that? But no, and to be honest I only let it go so easily, after she expressed her disapproval, because I wasn't sure about it either. The only thing I feel anything real towards is Dentistry. For so many years, especially the last three, I had such doubt in my heart, it felt like everyone had decided that path for me but now I realise that it was what I wanted. And maybe I had to realise it for myself, but at what cost? Did I really have to realise it after I had waved goodbye to it so thoroughly.
I haven't even mentioned the money. I have wasted so much money on my education and I have so much more to squander. It is trully sad.
Let me come full circle. I am lost. I got a 2.2 in a flop of a degree and now have nowhere to go in life. I am completely stuck and I want something to live for.
