Things aren't great. I'm trying to keep positive, it's hard but I'm trying.
My sisters helps a lot.
Always says to keep positive it's going to be okay.
I try to believe her.
I have so many regrets in life that it feels like I regret my whole life. And in a way I guess I truly do.
I've gone back in my mind and tried to pinpoint the exact moment where I would begin the changes. As I'm writing this I'm realising I don't like myself very much, I thought I was happy with myself but I now realise I'm not. It's not that I regret my whole life. I just hate myself.
It's not my life I want to change, it's me. I want to make myself perfect and what's the point of that! I don't want to be perfect.
So I just need to change the important, "disastrous" events during my little travelling-back-in-time escapade. GCSEs were bad but I can live with them. ASs were the worst..and yet I can live with them. A Levels, God how I wish I could change that. I'm seriously considering changing that when I travel back in time. Could I live with that?
Immediately what crosses my mind is my friends. My beautiful Uni friends. My Uni experiences.
I feel like I've heard a thousand people say -sorry a thousand accomplished, fulfilled, awesome people say they have no regrets. I hate that. I hate that I want to rewrite my whole life. But then again, if we could write out our own lives could we bring ourselves to write in those excruciatingly difficult moments. Those hard, hard life lessons which, once we overcome, we're so glad we went through and "don't regret for a second."
It's strange thinking about that, how we humans may not be able to bear writing cruel stories for people to live out, it somehow affirms my (near non-existent) belief in God. Usually it's the other way round, the fact that there's suffering makes people doubt His existence. But somehow it makes sense. It takes someone truly..brave? Strong? All knowing? I don't even know the word. Someone extraordinary to write a story so painful. And yet so necessary.
Maybe I'm just so desperate for something, anything, that I'm begging for a God. Sounds about right!
So where does that leave me? I guess at the end of it, I just hope
...things turn out okay.
