Kiran and Happiness

Kiran you Godsend. Please don't get over me or get bored of me. I need you in my life for a little while longer please. Please stay, you've made me really quite happy.

I met Kiran a month or two ago, and it was just the most exciting fun situation ever. And a huge part of it has sadly come to an end, my fault really, really quite annoyed at myself for it. But he's still around! I need to look at the good things and there are quite a few of them so..yay :)

Kiran kissed me. I went on 5ish dates with Kiran. I'm beginning to wonder if I truly like Kiran or merely the fact that he's a boy and he likes me, and it's lovely. No, surely not. I'm pretty sure I genuinely like Kiran, heck even typing that I was smiling because when I think about him it makes me smile.

I so desperately don't want him to get bored of me. This fear has spouted from me having a mediocre date with him on Friday. I say mediocre but it was still pretty fun, I was just having a low day and..I really don't want my indecisiveness about things etc. to get in the way, and him to stop liking me because of these stupid things. I hope he won't, I don't think he will.

I also miss my job, so badly, and him. I really hope it all comes back, please God please.

For now, that's all. Signing out, happy-ish Kira.

P.S. I also need to become more practical and sort out life matters, hopefully I'll do that soon too. And also 'the amazing thing' happened, so life is pretty amazing right now. Things will forever be awesome.

Do need to change certain things about me though..but to be dealt with in due course!

Peace out.

Rich Rich Rich

I feel like we need a massive update but it is extremely late and I need to get up in the morning! However the last post I wrote on here is irritating me and I simply feel I canNOT leave this place with THAT as the final note. Of course I'm not saying I'm abandoning this place it's just that..well I can't leave that as the last post. It irritates me every time I see it.

God I'm exhausted. I saw Rich last month, I think. And I'm still phenomenally glad that I did but..........it wasn't that great. I mean it was almost pleasant but it just wasn't..I was disappointed. Basically. I had fantasised about him endlessly for a year so it's safe to say I was disappointed. Everything pretty much fell flat, which is fine I mean it was still almost nice. I don't know, I just kept feeling almost uncomfortable but then again not quite..it was just an extremely confusing experience and for no fathomable or explainable reason. Which is why I reckon it was purely IMPOSSIBLE to explain it to him; my frustration, why and how I felt so deflated by the whole experience, everything.

So that happened. I want to see him again and gain closure somehow. I keep telling myself I'll let him go after that, I have no idea if I actually will but we'll see. I really don't know how I feel about him at the moment. See I'm sitting here asking myself the simple question right now. Do I still like him? I have NO IDEA! So what does that mean?! I guess it doesn't matter, maybe it means I'm getting over him, that would be bloody excellent :) :) :) We will see.

trying

It breaks my heart that I try more with him than anyone else in my life and no one has deserved it less.

I'M BACK!

How fast a year goes..well it hasn't exactly been a year, 9 months. It seems little has changed BUT one major thing changed. I had a quick reluctant glance at my previous post which induced minor giggles. I was so desperate for any sort of male attention and low and behold, seek and ye shall receive!

I was measuring up the tones between my last post and now and it's interesting to see that I seem to feel better now. I was terribly bored last time and it's amazing what a little distraction can do for you. Rich you're really lifted me up somehow, I gotta thank you for that. I must admit this is the first positive thought I've had about him. I have been cursing him from day one and it took having an authentic look back at life before to realise, you did help me. You did make me happy.
And now I'm rapidly thinking am I going to fall back into dire depression/boredom again?! No I have Kit now :) Awh Kit, yay.

Update: the reception and let's revelotionise my life!

I am currently working as a Receptionist, ondumae seyiraku illa, viser addikuru. Anaal athukaha kooda vela venum indu illa. Paravale.

Anywho. It's Christmas! So that's good. But slightly gotten over the hype. Was much more excited last week, the week before and even end of November. Whilst no one else was. Today was such stressful morning. I've still got the headache to prove it. But I don't want to moan about that.

I hate our TV. There I go moaning again. But in my defense I was just moaning because I want to watch Christmas films :D

Something happy something happy...

Okay not exactly happy BUT I'm going to do the Big Horrible Test again and hopefully everything will be awesome. Doubtful but, well let's just see shall we.

Maybe going to a show with Nancy and Kate on Saturday, hopefully go, hopefully good, hopefully meet the love of my life there - NO! No more thinking like that. On my cold horrid walk to work I decided, as I do everyday, that I must stop this obsession with boys. Every Asian guy I see, and sometimes the occasional tanned Caucasian I mistake for Asian, queue: imagination overdrive.

I've also developed, well not so much developed as much as realised, I have terrible self esteem issues. Every time I make eye contact with anyone I immediately start going into this spiral about how awful, childlike and ugly I look. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm completely up myself about how fabulously attractive I am. Those are the times I'm in front of the mirror.

Garghh! Just glanced at the time. Doom. DOOM! It's only quarter past three. Of course I am still in keeping with the rule of: don't-check-clock-at-work-or-chem-tuition-cos-I'll-regret-it-and-time-is-a-b****-so-slow.
Toying with the idea of ommiting inappropriate parts of blog then sending link out to Sarah, Priya and Kit. Release into public. Bit fed up of writing to no one to be perfectly honest. Hm. Would have to cut out half of entire blog r.e. sulking depression etc.

Should I make a new blog entirely? Seems a shame to delete so many posts..

Yep make new blog! Eurgh effort. I do have the time on my hands though..

What was I talking about before this? Ah yes, I am an extremely self conscious person with no self-image confidence..
Hmm even that sounds dripping with sarcasm, doesn't fit my character at all.
..who am I?

Conclusion: I need to dress more nicely, it just makes me feel better. Most mornings I look in the mirror and either a) cba or b) think I look fine but the day will draw out every piece of morning freshness seen in the mirror and replace face with oily dead looking thing.
Bought a bunch of new clothes, wear them. Buy accessories, NEW COAT, new bag. Stop being a tramp. Buy decent shoes. Bought blue ones, disaster, cannot wear with all outfits, look like retard wearing all grey then bright blue shoes. Buy decent trousers, been wearing the same work/professional trousers since school and they are huge, flappy and ridiculous. Must buy tight leather trousers or similar, flattering to body. Trousers and coat important as they are the only two items visible when outside. So no matter how wonderfully I have dressed on the inside, to the hot Asian guys at the station (whom I will no longer look at), well basically just go get fashionable awesome new stuff. Revolutionise self, become awesome.

Another passing thought that occurred whilst on commute: may have to purchase religious or similar book about how to stop lingering thoughts of romance in relation to attractive strangers seen throughout journey to work. I just can't help myself, how do I make it stop?!

I want something to live for

I want something to live for.

I was meant to write my personal statement for optometry but instead I sat here moping for hours about how much I hate my life. Typical.

My sister rang this morning before work and apologised for not having gotten the chance to work on it. She's been doing 12pm-10pm shifts this week and by the time she got home, at eleven, she was too exhausted to do anything. Every morning she tells me she meant to get up early to do it but couldn't bring herself to. She was too tired, understandable.

In any case, how dare I ask her such a thing at all? I should do it myself.

And so here I sit. Nothing. Every time I try to do it, blank. Or so I tell everyone, and to a certain extent it's true but really it's just that I don't want to do it. I make things big in my head..I'm tired of hearing myself say that.
"I blow things up in my head until it gets bigger and bigger, worse and worse until I detest this task, and I can't do it." I told my sister that just the other week. A few months ago the deadly task was revision. Ah revision.

So here's where I am today. I glanced at my previous post and it was about how depressed I was, finals were on my doorstep, I'm pretty sure it was the next day. I was not prepared and everything was awful. I'd been in the same position exactly one year previously and in my heart I was hoping that, just as I had the past year, I would get over it. There would be hope and everything would be fine.

To be honest it was, for around the four weeks before results. But even during that period there was a twinge, a shade of doom, grey ,that coloured that should-have-been blissful wait during which I could pretend everything was fine. Alas (ha, Dumbledore) results arrived and I cried. And yet it felt as though I'd gotten most of it out of my system the days before exams. I remember the day before the Neuro exam I lay on my brother-in-law's study floor and wept oh so dramatically. Exactly how they do in those films just without the sad, sad music. Instead there was an eerie quiet punctuated by my sobs. So sad.

Yep I'm a drama queen, but we all are okay?!!

I've been on a downward spiral since, I can't be bother to pinpoint when. From GCSEs everything's been going down and I just want to find peace. Right now I just was to ride another wave for a while, like the Biomed wave I clung onto for the last three years and I constantly swear that "this time it'll be different! This time I promise!" How is anyone going to believe me if even I have half-stopped believing myself.

And why does it matter if people don't believe in me? Because those people matter. My family matter.

I almost detest my mum for telling me she wouldn't be happy if I went into teaching. It was the one career that I felt some glimmer of hope towards, some light, maybe I could be happy doing that? But no, and to be honest I only let it go so easily, after she expressed her disapproval, because I wasn't sure about it either. The only thing I feel anything real towards is Dentistry. For so many years, especially the last three, I had such doubt in my heart, it felt like everyone had decided that path for me but now I realise that it was what I wanted. And maybe I had to realise it for myself, but at what cost? Did I really have to realise it after I had waved goodbye to it so thoroughly.

I haven't even mentioned the money. I have wasted so much money on my education and I have so much more to squander. It is trully sad.

Let me come full circle. I am lost. I got a 2.2 in a flop of a degree and now have nowhere to go in life. I am completely stuck and I want something to live for.

Finals and Regrets

Things aren't great. I'm trying to keep positive, it's hard but I'm trying.

My sisters helps a lot.
Always says to keep positive it's going to be okay.
I try to believe her.

I have so many regrets in life that it feels like I regret my whole life. And in a way I guess I truly do.

I've gone back in my mind and tried to pinpoint the exact moment where I would begin the changes. As I'm writing this I'm realising I don't like myself very much, I thought I was happy with myself but I now realise I'm not. It's not that I regret my whole life. I just hate myself.

It's not my life I want to change, it's me. I want to make myself perfect and what's the point of that! I don't want to be perfect.

So I just need to change the important, "disastrous" events during my little travelling-back-in-time escapade. GCSEs were bad but I can live with them. ASs were the worst..and yet I can live with them. A Levels, God how I wish I could change that. I'm seriously considering changing that when I travel back in time. Could I live with that?

Immediately what crosses my mind is my friends. My beautiful Uni friends. My Uni experiences.

I feel like I've heard a thousand people say -sorry a thousand accomplished, fulfilled, awesome people say they have no regrets. I hate that. I hate that I want to rewrite my whole life. But then again, if we could write out our own lives could we bring ourselves to write in those excruciatingly difficult moments. Those hard, hard life lessons which, once we overcome, we're so glad we went through and "don't regret for a second."

It's strange thinking about that, how we humans may not be able to bear writing cruel stories for people to live out, it somehow affirms my (near non-existent) belief in God. Usually it's the other way round, the fact that there's suffering makes people doubt His existence. But somehow it makes sense. It takes someone truly..brave? Strong? All knowing? I don't even know the word. Someone extraordinary to write a story so painful. And yet so necessary.

Maybe I'm just so desperate for something, anything, that I'm begging for a God. Sounds about right!

So where does that leave me? I guess at the end of it, I just hope

...things turn out okay.